“Women need more Appreciation and Respect” (By: Michele Babcock-Nice)

Is it just me, or does this happen to women alot?  Women who are assertive, confident, direct, honest, independent, educated, and who may be single, divorced, and/or widowed are unappreciated and not respected by many men.  Not only are such women unappreciated and not respected by men, but also by other women and the greater society, and others may feel very threatened by their confidence and assertiveness – and blame the women for it due to their own discomfort!  What is it about us?  What is it that people dislike?

I’m not a person who asks for or tends to “need” alot from others.  I try to “handle” and cope with the majority of situations and experiences that I have independently.  I’m not a gossip, though when something is going wrong and could be improved or enhanced, I speak up, making myself and my views known.  What I find is that, for the most part, most people just don’t care.  In fact, I often find that the more I speak up, the worse the situation gets.

Why is that?  Do most people believe that they have enough of their own life situations to deal with?  Do they feel that there is no need to invest anything, emotionally, into someone else’s difficulties, challenges, struggles, or troubles?  Are people afraid to get involved?  Or, is it that they really, simply just don’t care?

It would be interesting to me if a study was performed to research all of these attributes and characteristics of women, and the manner in which men, other women, and even the greater society views and/or treats us.  It would also be interesting to me to ascertain whether or not there are differences in such perspectives and treatment of women across different regions of the country – such as in the north, south, east, and west – in the United States. 

The South is known as the Stroke Belt.  Of course, there are studies that have been completed about why this is so.  I would like to offer my own simple analysis, not based on any research, but based on my own observations and experiences. 

It seems to me that women in the South are often not allowed to be themselves.  In order to be fully accepted into Southern society, women are subtly and silently “required” to speak and behave more like men, be supportive cheerleaders of men, be agreeable and not ask any questions of men, and be submissive to and/or dependent on men.  Additionally, women in the South are required to do all of these things while also remaining “beautiful,” appearing young, and being a great physical, mental, and emotional condition.  Any women who does not seem to “meet” those requirements is not part of the “in” and/or “accepted” crowd.

Perhaps unknowingly, women in other parts of the country do the same, to a certain extent.  Women unconsciously “conform” ourselves to fit in and be more socially acceptable.  How many women do you know believe they have to drink with their boyfriend and/or his buddies at sports games in order to fit in and be acceptable?  How many women do you know pile on the make-up, and spend loads of money for hair and nail treatments, thinking that this makes them more attractive?  How many women do you see at your workplace who are especially kind and friendly to the boss, seeking more favor?

It is not easy to be a woman in today’s society.  Women are “required” to do, say, and “be” so many things, to serve in so many roles.  And, in all this, women are also expected not to become upset, not to complain, not to vent, not to become emotional.  We are expected to be able to handle it all!  Certainly, some of us can be considered superwomen, but after awhile, the stresses, pressures, expectations, and requirements take their toll.  Stroke, cancer, heart disease, and other conditions and/or ailments are a result of the constant, unceasing expectations and requirements that society places upon us. 

Therefore, women need more appreciation and respect in our society – in our families, our homes, our churches, our communities, our nation, our world.  People ought to try to place themselves in another’s shoes and walk in those shoes for awhile.  Rather than overlooking, not appreciating, and not respecting each other’s experiences and who we are as individuals, people must realize that life isn’t always easy for everyone.  Their lack of appreciation, and absence of understanding and respect just makes it that much more difficult for us.  But again, do they really care? 

As a member of a particular group at my church, I was recently overlooked by the male leader of the group.  The leader is about my age, married, and has a family, though he always appeared to take a sort of “flippant” and uncaring attitude toward me.  Today, he realized that he had not included me on any of the group’s e-mails and communications for several months, and that by doing so, I was not informed of a group meeting and photo.  He apologized to me about the situation – by e-mail – though it all just brought tears to my eyes. 

Why am I the person who is regularly overlooked, unappreciated, uncared for, not respected?  Are all of my positive qualities that much of a threat to others that they consciously or unconsciously exclude me from their own thinking?  It is so disppointing and tragic to keep experiencing these types of situations over and over again.  I could change who I am, but then I wouldn’t be “me.”  Maybe most people would like me better if I was more gossipy, untruthful, and fake.  I wouldn’t be true to myself if I behaved like that.  I wonder how many people would truly be able to walk in my shoes?

Book Review of “Honor Betrayed: Sexual Abuse in America’s Military” By Dr. Mic Hunter (Review By Michele Babcock-Nice)

“Honor Betrayed: Sexual Abuse in America’s Military” By: Dr. Mic Hunter

In Honor Betrayed: Sexual Abuse in America’s Military, Dr. Mic Hunter provides extensive information, citations, and experiences of some of his clients related to sexual assault, sexual abuse, and sexual harassment within the U.S. military.  In his book, Dr. Hunter covers many topics related to these issues, including hypermasculinity; hazing; homophobia; gender and status bias; sexism; aggression; misogyny toward women and homosexuals; domestic violence; and use of and even staging of prostitution in the military.  Overall difficulties and rejections experienced by veterans in seeking support, therapy, and aid from Veteran’s Administration hospitals in treating post-traumatic stress disorder or other anxiety disorders as a result of sexual trauma experienced in the military are also presented.

Dr. Hunter has so extensively researched and written on the topics of sexual harassment, sexual abuse, and sexual assault within America’s military that I can hardly begin to incorporate all of his topics in my review of his book, though I will make my best attempt at doing so.  My best suggestion is to read his book since every page – page after page – is chock full of relevant, honest, direct information to his work.  For readers who may be unsure or doubtful as to the great extent of sex crimes that occur in America’s military, Dr. Hunter’s book can be a shocking and/or painful eye-opener to the truth of what occurs.  Dr. Hunter directly, professionally, and expertly deals with all of the issues presented, not treating the issue lightly, nor with kid gloves.

As I began reading Dr. Hunter’s book, some of my first thoughts about many military men’s views about women include that most of the men believe that, due to their physical strength, sexuality, and attitudes, they are superior to women.  They believe they are more powerful and influential than women, and that they have the capability to inflict more damage on those whom they believe are inferior. 

Many military men believe that because aggression and violence are part of their job description in wartime, these negative, destructive, and criminal behaviors can also be employed in everyday interactions with others.  And, in general, it is incorrect for men to believe that just because a woman does not “protest” something, does not mean she “agrees” with it.  This is because many women have learned that the more they protest something, the greater and more intense and severe the wrongs that are committed against them.

Early on in his book, Dr. Hunter provides many positive reasons for military recruits to enlist.  To the outside world – the general public and society that has not had experience in or with the military – these reasons appear to be very healthy, beneficial, and helpful reasons for joining the military.  Once one becomes a member of the military, however, it’s true nature is often revealed in very negative, traumatic, and criminal ways – with one’s own peers and/or superiors committing sexual attrocities against them; instilling them with injury, fear, and a sense of betrayal; and denying them the health, medical, and mental assistance that is needed for their optimum recovery.

In his book, Honor Betrayed: Sexual Abuse in America’s Military, Dr. Hunter further identifies and shares “reasons” for men’s backlash against women, why they sexually harass women, and why rapists rape women or men.  Dr. Hunter also shares that there is an exaggerated and unreasonable fear of homosexuals in the military, and that most men who are heterosexuals are responsible for the greatest amount of sexual harassment.  He also states that “heterosexual” men are more likely to rape – a woman or a man – than are homosexuals. 

Later in his book, Dr. Hunter further states that the impact of rape seems to be higher on men than on women.  In this, he means that the emotional toll of this sex crime appears to be more severe when experienced by men since men generally believe they should be strong enough to ward of their attackers, and that they should be “man” enough to protect themselves, even though they may be handcuffed, restrained, and gang raped by several men in a brutal sexual attack.

Dr. Hunter provides a chart that lists and identifies the effects of rape and sexual assault.  Incredibly, the military courts generally do not convict those members of the military who have committed sex crimes, providing them with a clean record when they leave military service and re-enter civilian life.  For those sex offenders in the military who are convicted of rape, their sentences generally amount to only a few months in jail.  When men think and act aggressively and violently with their penises rather than rationally and respectfully with their brains, such a travesty of justice appears to be common in the military regarding military sex offenders.

For these and other reasons, there are women in the military who encourage other women not to report being raped, gang raped, sexually assaulted, sexually abused, and/or sexually harassed.  It would therefore appear that sex crimes are the norm in the military, and that most sex offenders in the military get away with their crimes, only to commit them again, and perhaps with greater severity in the future, to potentially include the death of their victims.

Dr. Hunter reports that nearly all of those who rape others generally have no problem with what they have done.  And, in fact, the rapists feel good about having raped another person, despite the damage, injury, fear, and/or even death caused to their victims! 

The organizational culture of the military and attitudes of many military personnel, Dr. Hunter believes, are responsible for the tolerance and acceptance of, and lack of seriousness toward sex crimes that occur in the military, between members of the military.  Such a culture goes far beyond sexual harassment, sexual objectificiation, homophobia, and hazing, to include the encouragement and acceptance of institutionalized sexual violence and aggression by military members toward other military members. 

Such an institutionalized, organizational culture that is desensitized toward respecting the physical and sexual rights of others, including it’s own, has also indirectly led to the deaths of female servicewomen.  An example of this is reflected in a situation in which female servicewomen would not leave their tents to use restroom facilities while stationed in the Middle East due to fears of being raped by their own “comrades,” contributing to their deaths from dehydration in 120 degree F or higher heat during sleep.

The end of Dr. Hunter’s book spotlights military members experiences with having been sexually abused and/or assaulted, and the effects such sex crimes have had in their lives.  Several military veterans share heart-wrenching, extremely painful, and agonizing stories of their experiences.  One veteran shared a statement of fearing comrades more than the enemy in war.  Another grapples with being able to forgive himself for having been sexually assaulted, in order to move on in his life in a more healthy manner, mentally.  The assumption that can be made upon reading all of the survivors’ stories is that anything goes in the American military because most military sex offenders can and do get away with their crimes.

Honor Betrayed: Sexual Abuse in America’s Military, by Dr. Mic Hunter is a wonderfully ground-breaking and extensive work on the problem of sexual harassment, sexual abuse, and sexual assault within the military of the United States.  Dr. Hunter’s approximately 35 years of experience as a psychotherapist, primarily treating individuals who have addictions and/or who have experienced sex crimes, contribute to making him an authority on sexual assault, sexual abuse, and sexual harassment, including that which occurs within the military since he has treated many veterans who are clients coming to him for assistance and support regarding their experiences. 

Dr. Hunter’s book is an amazing, well-written, and beneficial resource for all those who are coping with the effects of sex crimes, for those who are supporting others who have experienced sex crimes, for those who are interested in military history, and for all those who are considering military enlistment.  I recommend Honor Betrayed: Sexual Abuse in America’s Military, by Dr. Mic Hunter, highly and without reservation as another of his must-read works regarding sexual trauma.

Reference

Hunter, M. (2007).  Honor Betrayed: Sexual Abuse in America’s Military.  Barricade Books: Fort Lee, New Jersey.

Comments on Child Sexual Abuse; and Book Review of “Fred the Fox Shouts ‘NO!'” By Tatiana Matthews (Commentary and Review By Michele Babcock-Nice)

“Fred the Fox Shouts ‘NO!'” By Tatiana Y. Kisil Matthews

Child sexual abuse is sadly and tragically much too prevalent and common in our society.  Infants, toddlers, children, youth, and teens – minors of all ages and backgrounds – may experience sexual abuse and/or sexual assault before they turn 18. 

In statistics provided by the website titled, “Parents for Megan’s Law and The Crime Victim’s Center,” we know that one in three girls and one in six boys are sexually abused or assaulted while they are minors; the average age of those children experiencing sexual abuse or assault is between 9 to 10 years old; and less than 10% of sexual abuse or assault involving children is reported to police.

Additionally, statistics from the website state that child sexual abuse or assault usually occurs in a long-term interation between the offender and the child, with four years being the average length of time of the interaction.  Also, only about 1% of child sexual abuse and assault cases are considered to be false reports.  So, that means that 99% of the reports are true and genuine!

Readers must also be aware that much of this information is based on reported child sexual abuse and assault cases.  Therefore, child sexual abuse and assault is likely much more common and occurs more often than the statistics show since so many cases go unreported. 

In a conversation that I had with a metro Atlanta county special victims unit police investigator many years ago about child sexual abuse, he stated to me that offenders can be anyone – yes, anyone!  He shared with me that the professions of some of those whom he arrested included police officers, clergy, scout leaders, teachers, marines, and others. 

In a conversation that I had with a pediatrician, also many years ago in the same metro Atlanta county in Georgia, she shared with me that child sexual abuse and assault in day care centers and preschools is common!  If it is so common, why is there not more being done to educate the public about it and to eliminate it from occurring?

From my own research on the issue, it appears that the younger the victim or survivor is, the more vulnerable they are, and the more difficult it is to gain evidence against and prosecute the offender.

Knowing this information, understanding the statistics, realizing that offenders can be anyone, and that child sexual abuse and assault are common in day cares and preschools, as well as perpetrated by those who are known to the child, we, as a society, must do more. 

We must do more to educate and protect our children, and be sure that our children are safe where ever they are and in whatever they’re doing.  We must also do whatever we can to eliminate the stigma that often surrounds victims and survivors of sex crimes, and instead, place responsibility and seek justice for these crimes rightly on the offenders.

One way of educating toddlers and children about the privacy of their bodies, their right and need to say, “No” to others who exploit or who attempt to exploit them, and the necessity of reporting the situation to trusted adult(s) is by teaching them about acceptable and unacceptable touch (by anyone) and how to react should they experience unacceptable touch.

Tatiana Matthews’ book, Fred the Fox Shouts “NO!” is one such excellent example of a book by which parents of children – or other trusted adults – can teach children through the books’ character, Fred the Fox, about their bodily privacy, their private parts, what constitutes acceptable and unacceptable touch, as well as instruct them – and have them practice – yelling, “NO!” to the offender.  Children must also be taught to get away from the offender if possible, and to inform a trusted adult about the situation. 

Mrs. Matthews also presents through her book with Fred’s character that children must be taught not to keep the secrets of the offender.  It is good for children to learn not to keep secrets, especially since doing so may be designed by the offender to protect the perpetrator and harm the child. 

Mrs. Matthew’s further shares in her book through Fred that simply because someone may be older or bigger than a child, does not mean they have the right to say or do whatever they want to the child.  Those who are most vulnerable must be the most protected and kept the most safe.

As a licensed professional counselor who works with adolescents and adults, Mrs. Matthews has 15 years of experience in providing therapy to victims and survivors of sexual abuse and assault.  Mrs. Matthews’ book, Fred the Fox Shouts “NO!”, is written in easy-to-understand language that is helpful to youngsters about this issue.  Her book is also beautifully and creatively-illustrated with drawings provided by Mrs. Allison Fears, showing Fred the Fox and his family discussing what Fred should do and how he should protect himself from unacceptable touch.

Fred the Fox Shouts “NO!” is a must-read, and an important and useful tool by which to teach children about their right to bodily privacy, what constitutes acceptable and unacceptable touch, and ways in which children can respond and react to those who exploit or attempt to exploit them.  This is a book that should definitely be read in every day care center, every preschool, and every elementary school. 

All children and youth should be educated about how to protect themselves from child sexual assault and abuse.  And, every one of us should be interested in keeping our children and youth safe from sexual predators.  Fred the Fox Shouts “NO!” is an excellent tool by which to achieve this endeavor.

References

Fred the Fox Shouts “NO!”.  June 5, 2012.  www.fredthefox.com.

Matthews, T.Y.K. (2010).  Fred the Fox Shouts “NO!”.  Tatiana Y. Kisil Matthews: Charleston, South Carolina.

Parents for Megan’s Law and The Crime Victim’s Center.  June 5, 2012.  http://www.parentsformeganslaw.org/public/statistics_childSexualAbuse.html.

“A Visit to Battleship Memorial Park, Mobile, Alabama” (By: Michele Babcock-Nice)

My Son Standing in Front of the U.S.S. Alabama, June 2012

Twelve Cub Scouts, as well as their families, from Pack 582 in Snellville, Georgia visited the U.S.S. Alabama Battleship, U.S.S. Drum Submarine, B-52 Stratofortress, and many other military aircrafts and equipment during the first weekend of June, 2012.  Most of the boys, a few of the boys’ older brothers, and the boys’ fathers “camped” overnight on the ship by sleeping in the ship’s actual bunk quarters. 

My Son Aboard U.S.S. Alabama with it’s “Big Guns,” June 2012

Scouts and their families had the opportunity to take a self-guided tour of the battleship, which included viewing the control room beneath the “Big Guns,” as well as seeing two armor-piercing projectiles – or AP projectiles – that can be fired from the guns, with each AP projectile weighing between one to two tons and standing about six feet high.  Scouts and their brothers and fathers who slept overnight on the battleship were awakened early at 6:00 AM, and ate breakfast together in the cafeteria on park grounds prior to continuing their tour.

U.S.S. Drum at Battleship Memorial Park, Mobile, Alabama, June 2012

Boys and their families enjoyed their self-guided tour of the U.S.S. Drum Submarine at Battleship Memorial Park.  The sub includes many tight and small spaces, though it had enough room to carry about 72 people.  The engine room with diesel-electric engines, torpedo room, control room, mess hall, sleeping quarters, and captain’s quarters were all very interesting and impressive to view.  The sub is in excellent condition, and some minor repair work is being done on it to preserve and maintain it.  

B-52 Stratofortress, Battleship Memorial Park, Mobile, Alabama, June 2012

The B-52 Stratofortress is one of many military airplanes, bombers, and fighter jets located at Mobile’s Battleship Memorial Park.  Prior to visiting the park, I had never before seen or toured an actual U.S. military battleship or submarine, nor viewed such a huge aircraft in person.  Having taught history and social studies, I had previously been familiar with such military vehicles (but for the U.S.S. Sullivans in Buffalo, New York) only by viewing pictures, TV, movies, or videos.  Seeing these military vehicles on display was breath-taking and extremely impressive. 

The boys enjoyed a fun and educational visit to Battleship Memorial Park, viewing the astouding warcrafts, without receiving any detailed information about the true dynamics of war that may have potentially created a more somber mood and atmosphere for their trip.  Overall, the park is extremely impressive, economically affordable to vist, and well-worth the trip!