The Good Things that Come from Added Financial Support (By: Michele Babcock-Nice)

Money

Money (Retrieved from blogs.kqed.org, January 16, 2016)

This week, there were three lottery tickets that were sold with winning numbers for the lottery jackpot of $1.6 billion.  Just hearing about the extremely high jackpot was incredible to me, not to mention more incredible that the winners of the three winning tickets will be splitting those monies between them.  That kind of money is simply that which I am unable to fathom.  I mean, what does one do with 100s of millions of dollars?  Certainly, it is nice to have money.  More than just enough to live on, with a bit of a cushion or buffer, is always good.  But, being the winner of a lottery jackpot requires a lifestyle change that is likely a difficult adjustment for some.

Believing myself to be a person who is not very “lucky,” I am not a gambler.  There are definitely certain calculated risks that I have taken in my life, I have invested in the stock market in the past, and I have earned some money on some investments, however I am not one to play the lottery.  In fact, I think I may have played the lottery only once.  That was in a similar situation in the past few years when the jackpot was insanely high.  I really just played it for the fun of it, and bought only one ticket.  The odds of ever being the winner just never pan out in those types of situations anyway.  Why put money out there if there will be no return on it?  And I already know that I am generally not a person who is “lucky,” so why waste my money.  That’s my philosophy.

I am a person, however, who will apply for scholarships, grants, fellowships, and monetary awards.  In the past, I have applied for several of them, and have received them. Most recently, between six to seven years ago when I was earning my healthcare certificate at a local technical college, I received the Hope Grant which helped finance my studies.  I am thankful to all of the taxpayers out there in Georgia who supported my education in healthcare.  I believe the grant I received was about $750 per semester for three semesters. That was really helpful!

More recently, in the past three years, I have applied for several scholarships and a grant to support my studies in counseling.  Unfortunately, while I have been eligible to receive them, I have not been selected to get any of them.  I applied for merit and academic scholarships at my university, and would likely be among the top candidates for receipt of them, however none have been awarded to me.  Within the past two months, I applied for a $5,000 grant in the counseling field through a national counseling organization, and was not selected for that either.  More recent than that, I wrote an essay for yet another national counseling organization in application for another scholarship, and am waiting to hear back – probably that I was not selected to receive it.

Certainly, I have the writing skills, and I have the knowledge, commitment, and dedication to always do my best in whatever I do.  However, receiving $500, $1,000, or – can you imagine – $5,000 would really go a long way for me.  I often wonder why it is that those people who sometimes have the greatest financial need are those who are most often overlooked.  I would be happy to provide my tax returns for the past several years to reflect my financial status and to prove my financial need.  This, however, never seems to be good enough.

So, here I am again, back at square one.  I am glad not to have gotten my hopes up about any of those grants or scholarships.  I could have recently applied for a fellowship, as well, but the particular organization that hosted it wanted winners to invest too much out of pocket than I am willing to do.  At any rate, it would have been nice to receive even a small scholarship or financial award rather than financing so much of my education for my second graduate level degree through student loans.  Obtaining the $5,000 grant could have already paid down the interest that has accrued on my student loans.

I cannot say that I did not try.  At least I made the effort to apply for these scholarships and the grant.  Now I know that I would not have received them whether I applied or not, but at least I applied.  One never knows unless you try.  I have gained nothing, but I have lost nothing either.  I am not that discouraged because I did not elevate my hopes for anything, though it would have been nice to receive a small sum to support my efforts toward becoming established in the counseling profession.

 

On Having a Difficult Mother (By: Michele Babcock-Nice)

I wonder how many of you out there can relate to having a difficult mother?  This is a topic about which I have never publicly addressed, however I have privately journaled about it, often, in the past.  I was thinking that, perhaps, it may be somewhat therapeutic for me to put it out there.  So, what makes a difficult mother and how does one cope with her?

Having a difficult mother for nearly 45 years (my entire life) has taught me alot.  Certainly, I am thankful to have my mother and I love my mother, though I recognize that I love her in a manner that is quite emotionally detached.  This is how I have learned to cope with my difficult mother, in order to protect myself, emotionally.

What currently makes my mother difficult is that her behavior can be very critical, negative, jealous, resentful, selfish, abrasive, and stressful.  In times gone by, her behavior was sometimes more than difficult, though I learned to cope with and survive that, too.  Of course, there have been many times in my life in which my mother has been supportive, helpful, loving, and encouraging, though the times in which she has not have been most hurtful of all.

My mother is a person who typically has nothing good to say about anything.  She is a person for whom nothing will please.  A person could knock themselves out making the greatest efforts to please her, and it will never be good enough.  Thankfully, I learned that in enough time (in my teens) to save my own identity from any greater dysfunction or deterioration.

Of course, I have analyzed my mother’s personality and behavior, and I realize that she is who she is as a result of her family, upbringing, and environment.  She is the third of four children in her family, and I believe was likely one who needed a certain amount of attention as a child since she was the youngest for many years before her younger brother was born.  Perhaps she learned to act out for attention, or perhaps she had to fend for herself against her older brother and sister, who seemed to be more bonded to each other than they were to her, as she has expressed.

I further recognize that my mother is her mother’s daughter.  My grandmother “Babcia” was a strong-willed and independent-minded woman, but one whose perspective was also very negative, critical, and pessimistic.  She was further one for whom nothing was ever good enough.  I believe this is where my own mother gets that from.

I came to terms with having a difficult mother many years ago.  I realize that she is never going to change.  After all, why should she?  She is who she is and does not recognize or have any desire for positive change in herself.  She has been the way she is for nearly 72 years, and she is quite set in her ways.

So, I am the one who recognized that, in order to survive, emotionally, I was the one who had to change – and I did.  I changed my perspective about my difficult mother to one that recognizes that she is who she is, she will never change, she does not recognize any need for positive change, she does not realize the hurtfulness and harm that her words and actions often cause, and it is better to readjust my own thinking and behavior not to allow this to negatively affect me.

Consequently, and not out of any actual desire to do so, I have become detached from my mother.  Our society teaches that, typically, mothers are expected to be nurturing, loving, caring, and supportive – all of the characteristics which I reflect to my own son.  However, not all mothers are this way.  I recognize that what I want in my own mother is something that I will never receive.  And so, while it is discouraging and disappointing, it is something that I have accepted.

I additionally recognize that I do not have to be like my mother, as many of her characteristics and behaviors were like those of her own mother – my babcia.  Family is family, and I will always love my family, but I believe there are certain levels and definitions of love.  Love can obviously mean different things to different people.  And, while I love my mother, it is not the same love that I have for my dad.  While I recognize and understand that my dad is always supportive of my mom, even in questionable situations and those that may create increased stress or conflict, I feel more bonded toward him than I do to my mother.  And, I also recognize that it’s okay.  I’m okay with it.

After my son was born, the things that really got to me about my mom, however, were those of her negative and immature behaviors toward him.  There has been many a time where I have put my foot down and have had heated arguments with her about treating my son – her only grandchild – better.  While I won’t go into detail here, some of the manners in which she has treated my son have definitely been difficult, stressful, and unnecessary.

What saddens me the most, though, is that my son is already recognizing that, in order to emotionally-preserve himself from her abrasive words and behaviors – he must also emotionally detach from her.  This is not something that I really want him to learn because I hope that, in the future, he is able to bond with a wonderful woman who will become his wife.  However, I understand and support his need for emotional protection and self-preservation from a woman who is difficult, negative, and critical, and who never sees the harm in others that she causes.  My son is aware of how my mother treated my brother and I when we were children, and she will never treat my son that way, or she knows she risks losing her relationship with us.  It is sad, however, that neither of us can truly be ourselves – and be accepted for it – when we are around her.

I am glad to have a mother, but having a difficult mother is certainly difficult.  It has always been difficult.  This is why I believe that I can listen to other peoples’ problems and issues, and be supportive and understanding.  I’ve had my share of troubles and difficulties in my life, and I can certainly relate to them.  It always shocks, me, however whenever someone comments to me that they believe I have it together, that I do not seem to need anyone (but I do), and that I do not appear to have particular needs.

Perhaps I am good at hiding it, though more often than not, those deep issues are private to me, and are not things that I share with just anyone.  I have to know someone so well that I would trust him/her with my life before I shared some of those deep issues.  And, I recognize that about myself and get the support that I need when I need it, too.  That helps me maintain my own sanity, or I would certainly not appear to be in the “good” mental shape that I would like to believe I am.

So, that’s all I’m going to say about my difficult mother.  I know if she were ever to read this, I would never hear the end of it.  But, at this point, I do not really care.  I love my mother and she knows that – it is just a type of love that is detached and for which I have learned to preserve myself.  I have to believe I am a better, smarter, stronger, and kinder person than I believe my mother thinks I am.  These – and my son and strong religious faith – are that which keep me going, one step at a time.