Whether it’s bullying or mobbing, in venues that are online, in-person, or behind one’s back, it always seems to start in the same or similar fashions. A person is either perceived as somehow different from the mainstream, and/or introduces thoughts, ideas, or perspectives that are different from what may be generally accepted. In some instances, bullying also occurs toward those whose ideas or perspectives are different from those which most people might blindly go along with; in effect, the person who thinks outside of the box is somehow viewed as wrong or bad. I would estimate that, in at least 95% of instances that I have experienced throughout my life in which bullying or mobbing behavior was directed at me, those situations have proceeded in the same or similar manners, which I will describe further herein.
The first instance of direct bullying that I remember experiencing was when I was in kindergarten. I was in the coat room taking care of my jacket and book bag. Two girls, who also happened to be cousins, approached me in the coat room; they were also in my class. I believe that both were jealous of me in some way, and attempted to degrade me for my characteristics of kindness and intelligence. I remember being very surprised about their hurtful comments toward me, as I had never said or done anything to them. It was a shock to be approached and mobbed by two of my female classmates, especially having been taught that girls are supposed to be cooperative and agreeable with each other. That was an eye-opener to my sheltered existence.
Another instance of bullying, that actually turned into mobbing, occurred when I was in fourth grade. It began with another girl as the target, and I stood up for her. This girl was intellectually disabled, taking her core classes in what was called a resource room. For her enrichment-type classes, such as physical education, art, and music, she joined the regular education classes. I remember this poor girl being taunted unmercifully by several of the “popular” boys and girls in my class. One of the boys who was the ring leader of the mobbing toward this girl was the youngest son of the school’s board of education president. Another girl was the daughter of a teacher who taught at the school.
The mobbing of this girl became contagious, and before long, I recognized that I was participating in teasing and bullying this girl. When I became aware of what I was doing, I was upset that I had been sucked into the actions of the popular kids – who were actually bullies; it felt very ugly, and I resolved to change my actions. No teachers ever stood up for this girl when she experienced bullying and mobbing from our peers, and that was another issue that was extremely upsetting to me.
One day while my class was walking in the hall to P.E., several boys and girls began taunting and teasing this girl, calling her stupid and crazy. She was silent, not responding at all, and taking all of the verbal abuse. The more it continued, the more angry I got. Then, I spoke up for the girl, directing my comments specifically at the kids who were bullying her, stating to them that they were the ones who were stupid, and that they should shut up. The more they repeated their taunts to her, the more I told them to shut up. At that point, I had taken action in standing up for someone who was vulnerable and unable to protect herself, and I became ostracized by the popular kids whom I had believed were my friends. When they stopped being my friends, I realized that they had never been my friends at all. I was happy and proud of myself for standing up for what was right.
Over the years, I have experienced many more instances of bullying, harassment, and mobbing. Because I am very self-aware and confident in myself, I recognize how these issues begin, how they proceed, and the manner in which a need seems to exist in society for people to hen peck, gang up on, and destroy those who are somehow different, and therefore, who are perceived as bad, inferior, or weak. I can resolve these issues for myself because I am a person who is a leader. People who are confident in themselves can take a stand against others whose behavior or communications are wrong, immoral, inappropriate, unethical, or even criminal. I recognize that it is those folks who really have the issue because they are unable to cope with what they don’t want to hear.
Throughout my life, it has been my experience that such folks may not only be bullies, but who have pathological issues or psychotic features. These are often the folks who always have a need to be right, who can never consider another’s perspective, who can never compromise or admit they are wrong, who always have to “win” and can never admit “defeat,” and who are masters at convincing others that the targets of the bullying are those who have the problem. Typically, these types of situations occur in the same ways, and often lead to the pathological bully blaming and punishing the target, including taking actions to intimate, harass, harm, destroy, and/or suggest or state that the target somehow is the one who has a mental deficiency or mental health issue.
In these situations, I have also observed that when a person is in a position of authority, and another individual challenges them to consider a different perspective, they take offense to it, seeing it as not only a threat to their bullyishpower, control, and authority, but also a threat to their identity. They, then, lash out against the person with whom there is merely a disagreement or, to them, who has some appearance of threatening their cozy existence in which they are typically successful in exerting their bullyishpower, control, and authority over others.
A situation of cyber mobbing that I am currently experiencing is in the international, nonprofit writing organization in which I am a member, and which is male-dominated. The situation began when another writer deleted a substantial amount of information that I had contributed to an article. Even before contributing to this particular article, I reviewed its history, and noticed that this particular writer had often made deletes of other writer’s contributions during the past several years. I actually expected that she would delete some or all of my material, and I was correct.
When I challenged this writer regarding what I perceived as an action that was excessive, unnecessary, inconsiderate, and one that did not follow established standards of procedure, she responded by degrading me and my work on the article. The situation got ugly and deteriorated from there. Also, having experienced such situations in the past with five male writers in the organization, I expected that she was male, but discovered otherwise, much to my surprise again. This, then, began communications between us in which the other writer found and stated more and more reasons to discredit me and my work.
Never taking into consideration any of the perspectives and thoughts that I presented to this writer in regard to what she could have done to maintain my information, have formal discussion about it that was open to everyone, and/or make a compromise regarding my proposals to her of how the situation could have been improved or handled better, she continued communications with me by furthering her attempts at discrediting and discriminating against me by introducing her ideas that I did not know how to write (intellectual and professional bias), that I was a kid (age discrimination), and just generally doing her best to add other “issues” to the one that should have been the focus of resolution and compromise. The writer’s conduct was also hostile and disrespectful toward me, including her use of words in all caps (which is generally regarded as yelling), as well as threatening to report me for simply following protocol by communicating, personally, with her.
Continually, I brought the writer back to the real issues at hand, including being blatantly honest about the lack in sourcing of the article, reflecting a low quality of it, even though it was rated as high in importance. I had attempted to improve on all of that, although this writer’s deletion of nearly all of my material, as well as her regular deletes of other writers’ contributions, reflected to me her unnecessary and bullyish power, control, and exclusivity regarding the article.
Now, my experience in writing spans decades, and I have also established myself in having taught writing. I have also had experience in researching, editing, and proofing, including in the professional writing arena. This writer has many years of experience, is a senior writer, and has numerous outstanding contributions to her credit, though her pathological bullyish nature has caused her to believe she is always correct and never wrong, thus also causing her to be unable to consider any value in alternative perspectives such as mine.
The writer continued to harass, degrade, and discredit me, my writing, and my experience, even going so far as to suggest that I had some mental health issue. To me, she is the person with the issue. Even so, three other writers supported her point of view, also being unable to even consider an alternative viewpoint, thus causing a situation of cyber mobbing. The writer’s threats and attempts at intimidation toward me caused me to report her to the mediation group of the organization due to her inappropriate and unacceptable conduct.
With regard to the mediation group, I also expect that there will not be one person who will side with me. In fact, I expect that there will probably be another 10 or so people who will add their perspectives to this situation about how “wrong” and “bad” they believe I am. In these types of experiences, that is what I have observed to typically occur. People cannot cope with what they don’t want to hear, discredit and degrade the person who is the target of bullying and/or harassment, and support the person who is basically the victimizer.
Thus, the target’s bullying and harassing behavior contributes to harming the target’s reputation and credibility which also has a potential negative effect of also causing financial and economic instability in the life of the target. This is because bullying and mobbing sometimes becomes so extreme that the target is forced to leave an organization for purposes of self-preservation; the experience of bullying and mobbing is one that can cause many health problems. It is no wonder that people who actually are vulnerable and whose identity is so closely attached to what others think and/or say about them contemplate or commit suicide as a result of these types of situations. When many people support the bully, and no one supports the target, things can get out-of-control and potentially harmful or lethal toward the target very quickly.
So, this current situation is one that has caused me to feel offended, misjudged, and victimized, however I am not a person who rates my worth according to the negative and harmful perspectives of others. Even after having informed the bully of how she has made me feel, she has continued to blame me, be unable to consider any of my views, and suggest that I have a mental health deficiency. Refusing to tolerate any further bullying, harassment, and intimidation by her, I felt empowered to report her conduct for mediation.
While I doubt that my perspectives will be supported or even that anything constructive might come from my report, I am pleased at having brought the issue of her inappropriate and offensive conduct toward me to an official body within the organization in which these issues are supposed to be handled. What I expect is that there will be even more degradation, bullying, and mobbing behavior to be experienced within the mediation group. I hope to be wrong about that, and will follow-up later regarding the outcome.
This has been the perfect experience for me to observe the process of how bullying and mobbing works, particularly in a large, online forum. I am one who has always believed and worked toward being an individual who holds high standards, and who is of high moral and ethical conduct. Therefore, I ceased my direct communications with the particular writer, and made a report about her conduct. Also, I ceased making any attempted contributions or work to the article over which she appears to exclusively “manage.” And, I won’t be making any contributions to it in the future. My intentions of being a part of the organization are to contribute and make improvements; anything less than that detracts from what should be the goals of each member.
This experience is also not the first experience of bullying, mobbing, and/or harassment that I have had, nor will it be the last. It is, however, I believe a reflection in society of the disease of so many people being unable to not only tolerate, but accept people who are different, or who have different perspectives, values, beliefs, and behaviors. Just because a person’s words, thoughts, or actions are different, does not necessarily mean that the individual is somehow wrong, bad, or mentally ill. People who are pathological bullies are masterful at causing others to believe all of that about their targets. Sadly, many others in our society often appear to blindly go along with them rather than consider something different and/or with which they may simply disagree. If more people agreed to disagree, as well as to make compromises, I think our world would be a better place.
*Author’s note: I have posted this article in four online forums, including WordPress; Twitter; LinkedIn; and CoPromote.
*Follow-up (July 2, 2014): Within the organization, I filed three reports regarding this situation; each one was closed without resolution being achieved. The first report that I filed was not even read, but promptly closed. So, I filed another, and was directed to file it in another forum within the organization. Therefore, I filed my report in the other forum, and was informed that it was not the correct location (in fact, the first forum actually was the correct location). So, I was given the run-around by everyone involved in the “mediation” process, which achieved nothing.
Finally, I decided to request a “cease and desist” from the writer with whom conflict erupted, and while she did mock me and identify our organization as a “three-ring circus,” for the most part, she has stopped her offensive and harassing communications. As I expected, I did experience escalated cyber bullying in this situation, which transformed into escalated cyber mobbing. In all, there were four writers who communicated only negative and harmful statements to me; three writers who shared a mixture of both positive and negative communications; and only two writers who were supportive in any respect. In fact, I am surprised that there were any writers, at all, who were supportive.
To me, this is a reflection that this situation could have been entirely avoided and, at least, de-escalated, had there been understanding, flexibility, compromise, and a willingness to consider and apply a different point of view. By the other writer refusing to do so, conflict not only erupted, but escalated. I informed this writer that her derogatory statements to me were inconsiderate, offensive, and misjudging. I also shared with other writers that this was the worst experience that I had, to date, in the organization. In fact, this experience has been the worst instance of cyber bullying and cyber mobbing that I have ever experienced, in any organization.
This really goes to show that there is much to be learned in these types of situations by everyone involved, particularly the adequate and sensitive consideration of others’ concerns. In too many organizations, courtesy and consideration get thrown to the wind while people steadfastly hold to their own rigid views, contributing not only to diminishing the people involved in the conflict, but also the organization as a whole. I have lost respect for many of the folks who joined in the conflict, as well as for the organization, all of this having been completely avoidable and unnecessary had consideration and compromise been applied to the situation.
*Follow-up (July 7, 2014): I was actually wondering when the retaliation was going to start, and it began shortly after posting my previous follow-up information of July 2. I recently wrote and submitted six articles to the organization. Out of the blue, another writer has been stalking, bullying, harassing, and degrading me. I believe that the writer is the same person with whom there was the initial conflict, but that the writer is simply using a different account and profile. The pattern of behavior is the same.
It is so unfortunate that such ugliness exists. There are always those people out there who believe that their thoughts and actions are self-righteous and brilliant, though they could not be more morally and intellectually incorrect. It is these types of folks who create hostile and toxic environments, and typically, as with these two particular writers, they are in high positions of authority in the organization. To me, it is a very bad reflection on the organization, and serves only to worsen such situations and further discourage those who genuinely and honestly desire to contribute. It is difficult to maintain respect for, and participate in, an organization that allows such unacceptable conduct.
*Follow-up (July 12, 2014): My to my relief, this story has a happy ending, at least for the moment. The person who was stalking and harassing me in this online forum has now received consequences for their actions. The writer has been restricted from the organization for an uncertain period of time. This was an online harassment and stalking experience like I’ve never experienced before; one experienced writer at the organization of many years stated that it was something of the magnitude that he has never observed before, either. Sadly, the writer evidenced in their communications of not being remorseful, nor of realizing the wrong that was done.