To everyone, may you enjoy a happy and blessed Thanksgiving! Remember all that there is for which to be thankful. 🙂
To everyone, may you enjoy a happy and blessed Thanksgiving! Remember all that there is for which to be thankful. 🙂
Whether it’s bullying or mobbing, in venues that are online, in-person, or behind one’s back, it always seems to start in the same or similar fashions. A person is either perceived as somehow different from the mainstream, and/or introduces thoughts, ideas, or perspectives that are different from what may be generally accepted. In some instances, bullying also occurs toward those whose ideas or perspectives are different from those which most people might blindly go along with; in effect, the person who thinks outside of the box is somehow viewed as wrong or bad. I would estimate that, in at least 95% of instances that I have experienced throughout my life in which bullying or mobbing behavior was directed at me, those situations have proceeded in the same or similar manners, which I will describe further herein.
The first instance of direct bullying that I remember experiencing was when I was in kindergarten. I was in the coat room taking care of my jacket and book bag. Two girls, who also happened to be cousins, approached me in the coat room; they were also in my class. I believe that both were jealous of me in some way, and attempted to degrade me for my characteristics of kindness and intelligence. I remember being very surprised about their hurtful comments toward me, as I had never said or done anything to them. It was a shock to be approached and mobbed by two of my female classmates, especially having been taught that girls are supposed to be cooperative and agreeable with each other. That was an eye-opener to my sheltered existence.
Another instance of bullying, that actually turned into mobbing, occurred when I was in fourth grade. It began with another girl as the target, and I stood up for her. This girl was intellectually disabled, taking her core classes in what was called a resource room. For her enrichment-type classes, such as physical education, art, and music, she joined the regular education classes. I remember this poor girl being taunted unmercifully by several of the “popular” boys and girls in my class. One of the boys who was the ring leader of the mobbing toward this girl was the youngest son of the school’s board of education president. Another girl was the daughter of a teacher who taught at the school.
The mobbing of this girl became contagious, and before long, I recognized that I was participating in teasing and bullying this girl. When I became aware of what I was doing, I was upset that I had been sucked into the actions of the popular kids – who were actually bullies; it felt very ugly, and I resolved to change my actions. No teachers ever stood up for this girl when she experienced bullying and mobbing from our peers, and that was another issue that was extremely upsetting to me.
One day while my class was walking in the hall to P.E., several boys and girls began taunting and teasing this girl, calling her stupid and crazy. She was silent, not responding at all, and taking all of the verbal abuse. The more it continued, the more angry I got. Then, I spoke up for the girl, directing my comments specifically at the kids who were bullying her, stating to them that they were the ones who were stupid, and that they should shut up. The more they repeated their taunts to her, the more I told them to shut up. At that point, I had taken action in standing up for someone who was vulnerable and unable to protect herself, and I became ostracized by the popular kids whom I had believed were my friends. When they stopped being my friends, I realized that they had never been my friends at all. I was happy and proud of myself for standing up for what was right.
Over the years, I have experienced many more instances of bullying, harassment, and mobbing. Because I am very self-aware and confident in myself, I recognize how these issues begin, how they proceed, and the manner in which a need seems to exist in society for people to hen peck, gang up on, and destroy those who are somehow different, and therefore, who are perceived as bad, inferior, or weak. I can resolve these issues for myself because I am a person who is a leader. People who are confident in themselves can take a stand against others whose behavior or communications are wrong, immoral, inappropriate, unethical, or even criminal. I recognize that it is those folks who really have the issue because they are unable to cope with what they don’t want to hear.
Throughout my life, it has been my experience that such folks may not only be bullies, but who have pathological issues or psychotic features. These are often the folks who always have a need to be right, who can never consider another’s perspective, who can never compromise or admit they are wrong, who always have to “win” and can never admit “defeat,” and who are masters at convincing others that the targets of the bullying are those who have the problem. Typically, these types of situations occur in the same ways, and often lead to the pathological bully blaming and punishing the target, including taking actions to intimate, harass, harm, destroy, and/or suggest or state that the target somehow is the one who has a mental deficiency or mental health issue.
In these situations, I have also observed that when a person is in a position of authority, and another individual challenges them to consider a different perspective, they take offense to it, seeing it as not only a threat to their bullyishpower, control, and authority, but also a threat to their identity. They, then, lash out against the person with whom there is merely a disagreement or, to them, who has some appearance of threatening their cozy existence in which they are typically successful in exerting their bullyishpower, control, and authority over others.
A situation of cyber mobbing that I am currently experiencing is in the international, nonprofit writing organization in which I am a member, and which is male-dominated. The situation began when another writer deleted a substantial amount of information that I had contributed to an article. Even before contributing to this particular article, I reviewed its history, and noticed that this particular writer had often made deletes of other writer’s contributions during the past several years. I actually expected that she would delete some or all of my material, and I was correct.
When I challenged this writer regarding what I perceived as an action that was excessive, unnecessary, inconsiderate, and one that did not follow established standards of procedure, she responded by degrading me and my work on the article. The situation got ugly and deteriorated from there. Also, having experienced such situations in the past with five male writers in the organization, I expected that she was male, but discovered otherwise, much to my surprise again. This, then, began communications between us in which the other writer found and stated more and more reasons to discredit me and my work.
Never taking into consideration any of the perspectives and thoughts that I presented to this writer in regard to what she could have done to maintain my information, have formal discussion about it that was open to everyone, and/or make a compromise regarding my proposals to her of how the situation could have been improved or handled better, she continued communications with me by furthering her attempts at discrediting and discriminating against me by introducing her ideas that I did not know how to write (intellectual and professional bias), that I was a kid (age discrimination), and just generally doing her best to add other “issues” to the one that should have been the focus of resolution and compromise. The writer’s conduct was also hostile and disrespectful toward me, including her use of words in all caps (which is generally regarded as yelling), as well as threatening to report me for simply following protocol by communicating, personally, with her.
Continually, I brought the writer back to the real issues at hand, including being blatantly honest about the lack in sourcing of the article, reflecting a low quality of it, even though it was rated as high in importance. I had attempted to improve on all of that, although this writer’s deletion of nearly all of my material, as well as her regular deletes of other writers’ contributions, reflected to me her unnecessary and bullyish power, control, and exclusivity regarding the article.
Now, my experience in writing spans decades, and I have also established myself in having taught writing. I have also had experience in researching, editing, and proofing, including in the professional writing arena. This writer has many years of experience, is a senior writer, and has numerous outstanding contributions to her credit, though her pathological bullyish nature has caused her to believe she is always correct and never wrong, thus also causing her to be unable to consider any value in alternative perspectives such as mine.
The writer continued to harass, degrade, and discredit me, my writing, and my experience, even going so far as to suggest that I had some mental health issue. To me, she is the person with the issue. Even so, three other writers supported her point of view, also being unable to even consider an alternative viewpoint, thus causing a situation of cyber mobbing. The writer’s threats and attempts at intimidation toward me caused me to report her to the mediation group of the organization due to her inappropriate and unacceptable conduct.
With regard to the mediation group, I also expect that there will not be one person who will side with me. In fact, I expect that there will probably be another 10 or so people who will add their perspectives to this situation about how “wrong” and “bad” they believe I am. In these types of experiences, that is what I have observed to typically occur. People cannot cope with what they don’t want to hear, discredit and degrade the person who is the target of bullying and/or harassment, and support the person who is basically the victimizer.
Thus, the target’s bullying and harassing behavior contributes to harming the target’s reputation and credibility which also has a potential negative effect of also causing financial and economic instability in the life of the target. This is because bullying and mobbing sometimes becomes so extreme that the target is forced to leave an organization for purposes of self-preservation; the experience of bullying and mobbing is one that can cause many health problems. It is no wonder that people who actually are vulnerable and whose identity is so closely attached to what others think and/or say about them contemplate or commit suicide as a result of these types of situations. When many people support the bully, and no one supports the target, things can get out-of-control and potentially harmful or lethal toward the target very quickly.
So, this current situation is one that has caused me to feel offended, misjudged, and victimized, however I am not a person who rates my worth according to the negative and harmful perspectives of others. Even after having informed the bully of how she has made me feel, she has continued to blame me, be unable to consider any of my views, and suggest that I have a mental health deficiency. Refusing to tolerate any further bullying, harassment, and intimidation by her, I felt empowered to report her conduct for mediation.
While I doubt that my perspectives will be supported or even that anything constructive might come from my report, I am pleased at having brought the issue of her inappropriate and offensive conduct toward me to an official body within the organization in which these issues are supposed to be handled. What I expect is that there will be even more degradation, bullying, and mobbing behavior to be experienced within the mediation group. I hope to be wrong about that, and will follow-up later regarding the outcome.
This has been the perfect experience for me to observe the process of how bullying and mobbing works, particularly in a large, online forum. I am one who has always believed and worked toward being an individual who holds high standards, and who is of high moral and ethical conduct. Therefore, I ceased my direct communications with the particular writer, and made a report about her conduct. Also, I ceased making any attempted contributions or work to the article over which she appears to exclusively “manage.” And, I won’t be making any contributions to it in the future. My intentions of being a part of the organization are to contribute and make improvements; anything less than that detracts from what should be the goals of each member.
This experience is also not the first experience of bullying, mobbing, and/or harassment that I have had, nor will it be the last. It is, however, I believe a reflection in society of the disease of so many people being unable to not only tolerate, but accept people who are different, or who have different perspectives, values, beliefs, and behaviors. Just because a person’s words, thoughts, or actions are different, does not necessarily mean that the individual is somehow wrong, bad, or mentally ill. People who are pathological bullies are masterful at causing others to believe all of that about their targets. Sadly, many others in our society often appear to blindly go along with them rather than consider something different and/or with which they may simply disagree. If more people agreed to disagree, as well as to make compromises, I think our world would be a better place.
*Author’s note: I have posted this article in four online forums, including WordPress; Twitter; LinkedIn; and CoPromote.
*Follow-up (July 2, 2014): Within the organization, I filed three reports regarding this situation; each one was closed without resolution being achieved. The first report that I filed was not even read, but promptly closed. So, I filed another, and was directed to file it in another forum within the organization. Therefore, I filed my report in the other forum, and was informed that it was not the correct location (in fact, the first forum actually was the correct location). So, I was given the run-around by everyone involved in the “mediation” process, which achieved nothing.
Finally, I decided to request a “cease and desist” from the writer with whom conflict erupted, and while she did mock me and identify our organization as a “three-ring circus,” for the most part, she has stopped her offensive and harassing communications. As I expected, I did experience escalated cyber bullying in this situation, which transformed into escalated cyber mobbing. In all, there were four writers who communicated only negative and harmful statements to me; three writers who shared a mixture of both positive and negative communications; and only two writers who were supportive in any respect. In fact, I am surprised that there were any writers, at all, who were supportive.
To me, this is a reflection that this situation could have been entirely avoided and, at least, de-escalated, had there been understanding, flexibility, compromise, and a willingness to consider and apply a different point of view. By the other writer refusing to do so, conflict not only erupted, but escalated. I informed this writer that her derogatory statements to me were inconsiderate, offensive, and misjudging. I also shared with other writers that this was the worst experience that I had, to date, in the organization. In fact, this experience has been the worst instance of cyber bullying and cyber mobbing that I have ever experienced, in any organization.
This really goes to show that there is much to be learned in these types of situations by everyone involved, particularly the adequate and sensitive consideration of others’ concerns. In too many organizations, courtesy and consideration get thrown to the wind while people steadfastly hold to their own rigid views, contributing not only to diminishing the people involved in the conflict, but also the organization as a whole. I have lost respect for many of the folks who joined in the conflict, as well as for the organization, all of this having been completely avoidable and unnecessary had consideration and compromise been applied to the situation.
*Follow-up (July 7, 2014): I was actually wondering when the retaliation was going to start, and it began shortly after posting my previous follow-up information of July 2. I recently wrote and submitted six articles to the organization. Out of the blue, another writer has been stalking, bullying, harassing, and degrading me. I believe that the writer is the same person with whom there was the initial conflict, but that the writer is simply using a different account and profile. The pattern of behavior is the same.
It is so unfortunate that such ugliness exists. There are always those people out there who believe that their thoughts and actions are self-righteous and brilliant, though they could not be more morally and intellectually incorrect. It is these types of folks who create hostile and toxic environments, and typically, as with these two particular writers, they are in high positions of authority in the organization. To me, it is a very bad reflection on the organization, and serves only to worsen such situations and further discourage those who genuinely and honestly desire to contribute. It is difficult to maintain respect for, and participate in, an organization that allows such unacceptable conduct.
*Follow-up (July 12, 2014): My to my relief, this story has a happy ending, at least for the moment. The person who was stalking and harassing me in this online forum has now received consequences for their actions. The writer has been restricted from the organization for an uncertain period of time. This was an online harassment and stalking experience like I’ve never experienced before; one experienced writer at the organization of many years stated that it was something of the magnitude that he has never observed before, either. Sadly, the writer evidenced in their communications of not being remorseful, nor of realizing the wrong that was done.
There are many countries, particularly in Asia, in which honor is taken very seriously, even too seriously. In Japan or Korea, for examples, there are many instances of men taking their own lives due to what many in those nations have considered to be failures, particularly if losses of innocent lives have been involved under their leadership. In fact, it seems that it is even an expectation for men and/or women who have been viewed as failures, particularly when harm or death has come to others as a result, to take their own lives. It appears that such people who have taken their own lives as a result of these particular instances do so because of their feelings of honor and dishonor. It seems that there is the expectation that they should take their own lives as a result of actions that may have been considered dishonorable.
In several middle eastern countries, including Saudi Arabia and Pakistan, for examples, as well as in countries such as India and Afghanistan, women and girls are expected to remain covered and/or virginal until marriage, according to cultural and/or religious dictates. If a woman of such culture is raped, however, she is typically blamed and punished, often being disowned by her family, the very people who should be supportive of her. When a woman is raped in such cultures, society places the burden on her and dictates that she has been dishonorable rather than the man or men who raped her. Often, then, her family is unsupportive of her and/or may disown her because of her culture’s views that blame, punish, and even torture and kill women for being a victim. Such killings are known as “honor killings,” however they only bring dishonor to those who have done the killing. Little or nothing is heard, however, about the man or men bringing dishonor to themselves for perpetrating such crimes. How often do they get away with it, only to do it again and get away with it again?
Three hundred years ago, in the United States, questions of honor – at least among men of European descent who considered themselves “honorable” – may have been settled by a duel. If one man believed he was dishonored by another, he could challenge that man to a duel. In a duel, it was the accepted notion within society that the man who won the duel by killing his counterpart was, therefore, “the better man.” To me, this is not necessarily correct. That one man may have won a sword battle by killing another man reflects only that he may have been more skilled in wielding the sword. To me, for anyone to challenge another to a fight to the death simply for believing he was “dishonored” does not value the other’s life. Therefore, is it worth killing another or taking one’s own life in regard to questions or concerns about honor? I think not.
Today, however, very different views exist in the United States about honor and dishonor. One may even ask whether or not honor is a quality that is at all considered of high value in American culture and society. In the United States (as in other countries, as well), there are those who dishonor themselves by having affairs. There are those who dishonor, not only themselves, but their spouses and/or children when they divorce their spouses for situations and/or issues that they, themselves, contributed to and/or worsened. There are people who dishonor their children by hurting and abusing them; in doing so, they also dishonor themselves.
Crime victims (particularly rape and sexual trauma survivors) are often quick to be dishonored by the harassment and/or bullying of others, which may, in turn, cause them to take their own lives. In society, in general, women are not honored when they do not experience the respect, equality, and/or privilege that most men seem to typically give, unquestioningly, to other men. Children are not honored when they have no voice and are simply told what to do, how to feel, how to act. People with disabilities are not honored when parking spaces are occupied by vehicles that are not legally allowed to be there. Female (and male) military service members and veterans are not honored when they seek treatment for PTSD as a result of sexual trauma experienced by their colleagues, and are denied such treatment, thus being blamed and revictimized.
I am familiar with situations in which wealthy American men of influence and power have traumatized women and girls by sexually harassing them and/or committing other acts of sexual misconduct against them for decades. Such men may have performed such actions against various girls and/or women across generations, getting away with it because their wealth, power, influence, and privilege have always allowed them to get away with it. Not only do they get away with it, but they discredit their victims, spread false information and ill repute about their victims, and do whatever they can to cover up their wrongdoing, cause their victims to be ostracized, and save their own skin. Because of their powerful status in the community, state, nation in which they live, however, most people hold them in high regard and are unable to believe that any of them could possibly commit such acts. These men have, therefore, dishonored not only themselves, but their families, their communities, their churches, and their businesses.
What is sad, then, is that most people seem to be unable to see below the surface of these situations, or even to care about them, and/or attempt to change them for the better. When such situations are discussed, many avoid taking on these issues because they cause controversy. This often includes legal counsel and/or the legal system. How can a poor, albeit educated and intelligent woman be successful in bringing a lawsuit against men who have prominence and power in a state or nation? Further still, what about a girl who has experienced such situations by men of wealth and power? It just doesn’t happen, and if it is attempted, the female is discredited and portrayed as the liar, seductress, villainess, while the men are innocently reflected as having done no wrong. While the men don’t realize it, and likely even deny it, as a result of these situations, they have dishonored themselves.
So, my remaining question is to wonder if it is, indeed, correct to believe that there is little or no recourse for victims and/or survivors of the above-described situations? Those who create, provoke, and perform such situations are those who, typically, seem to get away with them. While mainstream society may hold them in high esteem, and/or they may obtain success in defending themselves through the legal system, they have still dishonored themselves by being dishonest and by behaving dishonorably.
People who are honorable lead in the footsteps of goodness and righteousness. They lead by example. Honorable people place value in the lives of others; they do what they can to help and support those who most need it; they recognize where they have been wrong, and seek to correct and improve themselves. People who are honorable are also forgiving, but also learn to protect themselves from those who are dishonorable as a result of their experiences. It is honorable to be good and forgiving, though it is also honorable to help oneself so that he or she is not further victimized.
People who are dishonorable care only about themselves. It seems that they, often, cannot see the harm that they create, nor do they care. And, when confronted about it, they do not take responsibility for it, but instead do whatever they can to deny it, cover it up, and further harm, discredit, and dishonor their victims. I have observed and experienced this reflected in people who bully others. I have observed and experienced this reflected in those who sexually traumatize others. I have observed and experienced this to occur in people who tend to be narcissistic, arrogant, and who believe that they are always correct, and that their way is the only way. While these people may not realize it, they have dishonored themselves. Contrary to their faulty thinking, it is not their victims who have dishonored themselves.
Therefore, it is important that people look below the surface of interactions, communications, and situations. Sometimes, it is important to analyze, research, investigate, and become better-informed about people and situations before making decisions and/or judgments about others that may be incorrect. It is important for society to realize and recognize that, just because people may appear “honorable” does not mean that they are. Especially in the United States, where wealth, power, status, and privilege are held so highly by society, it is imperative for people to look below the surface, to recognize that people may not be as good as they seem. It is also important for people to recognize that some situations, on the surface, may appear to be the fault of the victim, but were really created by the one in power, even years or decades prior to things coming to the surface.
As a person of honor, I appeal to others to view and consider as many possibilities about a particular situation as they can, and then to also investigate to know and understand the true background of such situations by looking below the surface, prior to coming to a conclusion that may be incorrect, and before making a misjudgment that characterizes the victim as the offender, when it may really be the other way around. I ask people in our society to consider the true nature of such situations so that they may be understood and revealed. Only then will the honor of those who are truly honorable be known.
Bullying and retaliation are issues that have come to the forefront of our society in recent years. There is bullying in schools. There is bullying in the workplace. There is bullying in social organizations. There is bullying that occurs in society, in general. Bullies, themselves, feel good and empowered when they bully others. They get to throw their weight around, intimidating, degrading, ridiculing, humiliating others. Bullying in schools definitely creates a downward spiral in the morale of the school. When students must protect themselves from their bullyish peers as well as adults who are bullies, a stressful and hostile atmosphere is present at schools for these children.
Many victims of bullying keep it to themselves, thinking they can handle it, and they often end up being more taunted, more bullied, and then, the bullying escalates. Some victims of bullying are pushed over the edge, believe they are worthless, are convinced that they are nothing, and kill themselves. Other victims of bullying try to stand up for themselves – some are successful in defeating and overcoming their bullies, while others are disbelieved and/or do not receive the support they need from adults to whom they go for help.
In schools, sometimes students get a double whammy with bullying. Not only are they bullied by certain peers, but they are also bullied by particular adults who are school employees of the school. What is worse is when the very leaders of the school practice bullying through policies that lack sensitivity, flexibility, and understanding. Policies in which minor mistakes and insignificant misbehaviors of children such as talking without permission, for example, are enforced by requiring students to run several laps, serve a lengthy detention, or in some schools, be paddled, are excessive, unnecessary, and reflect an authoritarian, punitive, unforgiving, and bullying atmosphere in the school.
In one school with which I am familiar, a parent survey was issued to students’ families within the past one year that asked many questions about various factors related to the quality of the school. Regarding bullying, 26% of respondents reported that bullying is a problem at the school. What is truly sad is that bullying is more of an issue regarding adults bullying students than with students bullying students. And, of course, when students see adults bullying their peers, they believe it is acceptable, and bully their peers, as well. What is even more sad is that the adults who are bullies and whose policies are bullyish do not recognize it, they do not care, and the situation worsens, becoming more institutionalized.
There are many ways in which school children are bullied by school employees in schools. Some of those ways include: 1) issuing excessive disciplinary consequences and punishments for minor misbehaviors; 2) requiring students to run laps as punishment and/or discipline; 3) not providing, denying, ignoring, and/or overlooking needed services to the student; 4) not contacting the parents or guardians when the student has been severely injured at school; 5) denying a sick child the opportunity to see the school nurse or clinician and to go home; 6) denying and/or preventing the student from receiving guidance counseling or other counseling services when requested; 7) not reporting actual abuse or neglect of students to the proper authorities; and 8) issuing unspoken punishments to students that are not identified in the school and/or student handbook.
Additional ways that school employees bully school children include: 9) issuing punishments and/or disciplinary consequences that are more excessive than what is identified in the school and/or student handbook; 10) blaming the child for misbehavior that the adult could have improved by providing the child with greater care and understanding; 12) not recognizing and/or praising the student for outstanding academics or accomplishments; 13) outright lying about and/or misconstruing the truth about situations involving the child; 14) not keeping confidences about the child; and 15) different school employees throughout the school stating that the child needs various evaluations, assessments, therapies, counseling, remediations, etc. when these are not and/or may not necessary. The latter factor also occurs when school employees make these determinations when they are unqualified to do so; for example, they are not physicians, psychologists, or other qualified and unbiased healthcare professionals.
There are also many other ways children are bullied in schools by school employees, and those ways are not limited to those that I have identified here. Some more of those ways include: 16) school employees, including particular school administrators and/or teachers maintaining and carrying out a personal vendetta out of anger toward the child; 17) having nothing good to say or share about the child to parents or others; 18) calling the child’s parents in for meetings and/or conferences about the child and/or the parent, simply as a way to attempt to intimidate, harass, or otherwise bully; 19) basically behaving in an unprofessional manner, such as saying one thing, but doing the opposite toward the child or regarding a particular situation; and 20) school administrators also requiring other school employees throughout the school to also perform any of these identified unprofessional actions without question toward the child or the child’s parents, and if they do not do so, they (and/or their own children if their children are students at the school) experience various negative consequences.
Additionally and to compound the situation of school employees bullying school children, any multitute of the above-identified situations can be occurring toward the child at any given time. For example, five of the particular situations may be occurring toward the child during one week. In these instances, school employees are working with each other – and against the child – essentially using the child as their whipping post. This is not only extremely detrimental to the child, but it is bad for the school’s reputation.
When these types of bullying actions toward school children occur by the very adults who have been entrusted with their care, well-being, and safety, it leaves the children on their own, to fend for themselves. If a teacher and/or administrator simply does not like a particular child or that child’s parent, in my experience, I have found that punishments and/or disciplinary consequences toward that child are much more severe and unfair than they are toward other students.
When families pay extra monies for their children to attend private or parochial schools, the expectation is that those schools are of a higher standard than public schools, in every area – education, discipline, safety, fairness, faith foundation, services, etc. Certainly, families have to weigh the advantages and disadvantages of particular schools and/or school systems, and find the best complement for their child.
Sometimes, despite all good intentions and communications with authority figures within the school regarding what can be improved or changed to help benefit the students and the school, including school retention when better practices and policies are exercised, things do not change, and in fact, worsen. Sometimes policies become even more excessive and increasingly punitive. Sometimes there is a change in the leadership, and the new leaders are more authoritarian and believe in doling out harsh consequences. This does not mean that such policies are acceptable or ethical. Perhaps many students’ families simply tolerate the policies because other educational alternatives to that particular school may be even worse. One does not want to jump out the frying pan, into the fire, so to speak.
Therefore, I am a person who believes in, suggests, and encourages compassion, understanding, and sensitivity toward children and school students. Harsh and excessive disciplinary policies effected on young school children for minor misbehaviors teach children that the world comes crashing down on them and they are condemned by school employees if they are not perfect all of the time. It also teaches that adults in authority at school who are punitive are also unforgiving toward them for minor misbehaviors or mistakes. Such authority figures are not serving as positive role models or guides for the children, but teachers of severe and unnecessary consequences for rather insignificant issues.
This is how a bullyish atmosphere is created and maintained within a school by the adults within the school. This is how bullying becomes a problem within schools – when adults bully children, and children, in turn, bully their peers. Schools and school leaders can sugar coat and ignore the issue all they want, but things will not change for the better or improve unless they, themselves, recognize their own bullyish policies and change them to being more compassionate and understanding. That is where true leadership lies – in providing positive guidance and in being positive role models for students, rather than in being excessively and unnecessarily punitive and unforgiving. The teachings of Jesus also follow that philosophy.
Therefore, schools must not only be progressive rather than regressive in their policies, but school leaders must actively exercise those positive and progressive policies. School leaders must implement policies that are beneficial, positive, protective, and guiding for students. School leaders and educators must also reflect on and enact ways of improving themselves and their own philosophies and perspectives. In this way, everyone will benefit – the students, students’ families, school employees, and the school system. This is what is necessary in every school and in every school system, and it is a basic expectation of all students and parents. Let’s keep working to improve our schools and the policies that are practiced within them for the benefit of everyone, most particularly the children who are the youngest and most impressionable of all.
There are so many things for which to be thankful in our lives. In getting older, my views of what to be thankful for have expanded, and surprisingly, have gotten somewhat modified. I believe that some of the things for which to be thankful go hand-in-hand, such as success, sacrifice, and gratitude. While each of these areas mean something different, they ultimately embody similar qualities for me. Perhaps with age has come greater wisdom and insight about what it is in life for which we should truly be thankful. It being Thanksgiving Day, it is the perfect opportunity to express and share the meanings and associations between success, sacrifice, blessings, and thanksgiving in my life.
Success, sacrifice, and thanksgiving are all connected in my life. They each have a very special meaning in my life, and have grown stronger and more intense throughout the passing years. Firstly, my personal meaning of success has changed throughout the years. When I was younger – say, a college student or recent college graduate – success meant getting and maintaining a great career position, along with earning a comfortable salary and benefits. It made me feel secure, stable, and accomplished to achieve that.
As the years have passed – such as the past 20 years or so – success for me, personally, now means doing all I can for the benefit of my family, particularly for my son. For me, success involves “being there” for my son as much as possible, providing him with the most and best possible quality time, and being a compassionate, sensitive, nurturing, caring, and loving mom for him. To me, that is my greatest success – “the” greatest success – raising, caring for, loving, and being there for my son. I invest all possible social and emotional understanding, compassion, and nurturing into my son, and I am also thankful and grateful to be able to do so on a regular and consistent basis.
So, for me, success no longer necessarily means having the best job or career position or earning the most money possible. Although it is important to have a stable and enjoyable career, as well as to earn money in order to live and provide for my family, my highest priority and greatest success is in mothering my son. So many jobs and career positions demand that people give their lives to their employment; I have given my life to being a mom, and being a sensitive, caring, loving, and nurturing one at that. It is my hope that in the future, my son will remember all of the time, compassion, care, love, and nurturing that was invested into him, and invest that back into his own future family, as well as to others with whom he comes into contact.
Success also involves doing what I can for my son, my family, myself, and others. Sometimes that also involves sacrifice – sacrificing my own selfish needs or desires for the benefit of others. As the years have passed, I have realized that I truly do not need everything that I think I do. And, when I look around, I see that I, indeed, have more than I need, materially. It has helped me to refrain from satisfying a compulsive impulse to buy something that I don’t really need by telling myself that I have everything already and that I don’t need it.
It also helps to remember that my main priority is in providing an outstanding education to my son, and that is where the money must go. Thus, a wonderful education for my son is the top priority of sacrifice for me to him. I strongly believe that such an excellent education is the best course of action for him, considering all other circumstances. Of course, there are also expenses for maintaining good health, well-being, and extracurricular activities, as well as for having a vehicle and driving it, however my son’s schooling helps me maintain my focus of investment in him and in his education. This is my gift of sacrifice to and investment into him.
Sacrificing and giving to others is also important to me. When I can, I drive my parents to where they need and/or desire to go. For one thing, this helps save on gasoline, though it also provides company, comraderie, companionship, and fellowship, not only for me, but also for my son. I do what I can to give back to my family for all the good that they have done for and provided to me, even in the little things that others may think are insignificant, such as buying some groceries, taking packages to be mailed at the post office, or taking items to the trash pick-up or recycling center. That stated, I know I could never in my entire life return to my parents all that they have provided in support and assistance to me, and for that, I am also extremely thankful and blessed.
Sacrificing also means giving back to the community, serving others, and helping those who are in need. I regularly do that as a volunteer in many capacities, including at two churches as a lector and lay minister, as a writer for a church newsletter, donating food and clothing for those in need, volunteering as a spiritual leader at my son’s school in activities that assist local families in need, assisting as a parent helper for school activities, organizing food for and delivering it to local families in need during the holiday season, volunteering my time, talents, and efforts in Cub Scouts whenever possible, and giving of my time by volunteering at the local religious-affiliated thrift store. Though my desired, intended, and enjoyed career path in teaching has not proceeded as planned, I am rewarded by being able to give of my time and talents to help and assist others – and, in turn, it is also spiritually, socially, mentally, and emotionally fulfilling for me.
So, what I am most thankful for are God, my son, my family, my friends, and the good, competent, caring professionals who are in my life. Without God, I would be nowhere. With God, I have, maintain, and develop my strong faith, even when things are not going well. I believe that there is a reason for everything, even though I may not know or understand what those reasons are. I also believe that God has our lives mapped out for us, and knows everything that will happen in our lives long before it happens and prior to us even making a choice on what to do.
I try my best to be thankful to God everyday and for everthing, both good and bad, because I believe there are learning experiences in everything. Of course, it is extremely difficult and challenging to be faced with bad, trying, or traumatic situations, though with God as my strength, I know that goodness, love, and mercy will prevail in some way. With God, for whom I am thankful, I am blessed with the hope and faith that He will guide and show me the best way in which for me to travel.
Thanksgiving is also important in association with my son. I am thankful for my son because he provides me with the greatest meaning in my life, he gives me the strength and fortitude that I need to live and enjoy each day, he fulfills that place within my soul that has the innate need to mother, nurture, care for, and love him. I am thankful for my son because I often believe that he is my reason for being, for living, and for sharing and enjoying the most in life that is possible. I am so moved and thankful to God for my son; he is my heart.
My family are also those for whom I am thankful. Without my family – my parents in particular – I would not be where I am today. When I was in need, it was my parents who were there for me and my son. My parents have been that strong, stable, unyielding rock of strength and persistence throughout my life, showing me that nothing is too great to overcome, that nothing is too great to bear, that nothing is too severe to integrate positively into my life in some way. Having been married now for nearly 50 years, my parents are wonderful role models for me, and for them, I am extremely thankful and indebted.
I have a few wonderful, close friends, and for them, I am also very thankful. One is lucky and blessed in their lifetime to find, acquire, and maintain friendships with those who are kindred spirits, sharing similar values, beliefs, and backgrounds, and I am blessed and thankful to have found such friends as these. Typically, I gravitate toward friends who are slightly older than me because I believe that they are more mature, experienced in the world and in their lives, and can also be wonderful mentors for me. In fact, there have been a couple of colleagues in my life who have also become wonderful friends, particularly for those reasons. It is such a blessing to be able to share an understanding, flexibility, and sensitivity with friends who hold similar outlooks, philosophies, and perspectives, and I am thankful for those people in my life.
Also of great importance in my life are those professionals who have been helpful and supportive of me and my family, and who have made our lives easier and more enjoyable. For these folks, I am extremely thankful and grateful, and for some, I will also never be able to fully express or show my gratitude if it takes me the rest of my life. Currently, a few of these people in particular include my attorney, a school superintendent, and physicians and healthcare professionals who doctor and/or otherwise assist me and my son. In the past, such professionals have also included college professors, instructors, mentors, and coaches; and professional peers and colleagues.
Of course, I am also thankful for nature, the environment, animals, flowers, plants, food to eat, shelter, safety, freedom and democracy, diversity, and different peoples, cultures, religions, languages, and customs. I am also thankful for opportunities, growth, development, life experiences, and being able to live my life. I am thankful to travel freely and to where I choose. I am thankful for having sight, hearing, touch, taste, intelligence, honesty, persistence, and a whole host of other qualities and characteristics. I am also thankful for being female – being a woman, for with that has come pregnancy and giving birth to my son, and enjoying experiences and intimacies that are understood only by women. Even so with all of these things for which I am thankful, I am most thankful for people and God.
My son and children, in general, are those people in my life for whom I am most thankful because they bring so much joy, happiness, innocence, and fulfillment into my life. Had I an enjoyable, stable, and loving relationship with a partner, I would also find great fulfillment in sharing such thankfulness and love with him, as well. I know, however, that a relationship of that nature is in God’s hands, and if such a relationship never presents itself, then I will know and accept that it was not meant to be, however discouraging and disappointing, perhaps it would be for the best. My love and compassion for children, children’s rights, and children’s welfare would also be high priorities for me to share with an intimate partner, as I am sure he would find similar enjoyment and fulfillment in this, as well.
While this post will end up being published and dated in the day following Thanksgiving this year, it was on my agenda to accomplish on Thanksgiving Day, though other things came up that needed attention. I hope that you who are reading my article will be able to reflect upon what it is that you are thankful for, and perhaps, also find some correlations between success, sacrifice, gratitude, and blessings in your life.
Sometimes, we just need to stop and smell the roses, or – before you know it – those roses are gone and we are left wondering what happened. I took a few moments this evening to cut some roses from the backyard garden and to smell and enjoy them. Please also take time to be thankful and share all wonderful things on this Thanksgiving. Take time to “smell the roses;” enjoy all that is good; share with family, friends, and loved ones; and be thankful for all that our wonderful Creator has bestowed upon us. Give extra hugs and more quality time to your children and family. Take a moment to appreciate everything, and not take it for granted. Enjoy it now – it doesn’t last forever!
What is a true friend? What makes a person be a true friend to another? There are many qualities of a friend that people may categorize as causing someone to be a true friend, and some people’s characteristics of a true friend may differ from others. There are many qualities of what makes a true friend for me that I would like to share.
Firstly, a true friend likes, respects, and appreciates you for who you are. A true friend is supportive, understanding, encouraging, and honest, and is not unnecessarily led or influenced by others in their opinions, decisions, and judgments about you. A true friend sees the whole picture, not just what’s on the surface. A true friend seeks to know and understand you, to be sensitive to you. A true friend is there for you, encouraging you to be true to yourself, to help and protect yourself, to be your best, to improve yourself – your inner self. A true friend knows you, seeks to know you, and appreciates what they know about you. A true friend is always a friend, regardless of the issue or situation.
Next, true friends are those who can listen to and hear you out on any subject. Sometimes, in providing others with certain information about ourselves, we are seeking to know whether or not we can fully trust and confide in another person. Most people are uncomfortable with information with which they cannot cope, whether it is information about a topic that causes discomfort to them, or whether it is just plain a topic that they cannot handle or put up a wall against. A true friend can take in all information and remain supportive and understanding because such information may lead to something better, a deeper relationship and more trusting relationship, a confidence in the other person that one can share anything with them, any issue, any detail, without them shutting you out or turning you away.
Sometimes, just when you believe you have found a true friend, someone on whom you can count, confide, and trust, you discover completely the opposite about that person. It is particularly painful in those for whom one cares or loves, such as family members, close friends, or those others with whom one has a close emotional and/or spiritual connection to discover that they are not a true friend. One may discover that they are led or blinded by their own discomforts, biases, judgments, beliefs, and/or the pressures of others and even the institutions that they may represent. They are incapable of being a true friend when they have sight, but cannot see; when they have eyes, but no vision; when they are bound to their own discomforts, and are unable and unwilling to see the bigger picture; when they are a puppet to the rules and policies of the institutions that they represent, yet they don’t realize it, and are being led astray.
At other times, however, one may discover that they indeed, have found and maintained a true friend. There are at least a half-dozen people throughout my life whom I would consider as true friends, those with whom I can share anything, and time and time again, they have responded to me positively, supportively, and encouragingly. They appreciate and support me for who I am. They reflect the care about me that I would like to think that I similarly do for them. They help me to realize and be myself. They open doors for me rather than shut them. They break down walls and barriers for me rather than create them. They are those whose actions have continually and regularly surpassed those of others in wanting, doing, and assisting in the best for others. They are true friends.
I am so appreciative of those people in my life who are true friends! It seems that those people, similarly to myself, who are true friends and whom I consider to be true friends, have the same characteristics. We are warm, kind, understanding, sensitive, honest, supportive, encouraging, intelligent, confident, and assertive. We want the best for ourselves and others, and to bring out the best in ourselves and others. We are people who are helpful, rather than harmful or destructive.
True friends also bring and seek to bring important issues to others’ attention and awareness in order to effect positive change, improvement, and enhancement in our lives and those of others. We are concerned for the welfare and well-being of ourselves and others, and we always seek and strive to achieve and accomplish that with our honesty, sincerity, and genuineness. Leaders and public figures such as Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta and Mahatma Gandhi are those whom I would consider to be a true friend to others on an even greater level than a close, personal true friend.
Sadly, too often, however, many people feel threatened by those positive qualities and characteristics that I previously described. They may feel threatened due to their own insecurities and/or discomforts, shut us out, and refuse to listen to or hear us. There may be something much greater at stake for the good of many others, yet when we are shut out, overlooked, denied, disrespected, discredited, or worse, it is they who have shown themselves of being untrustworthy and perhaps lacking in character.
In those situations, one cannot count on that person to be a true friend, and must either seek the support and consult of someone else or rely on oneself. I think this reflects that many people see only what they want to see, and not necessarily what is reality. Too often, people are content to see only what is on the surface, and not ask questions, not dig deeper, and thus, they miss out on enjoying more meaningful and satisfying relationships with each other.
By being followers, such people are also not being leaders. Leaders must be open to all information, all sides of an issue, all sides of a situation that they may not have even considered. They must ask questions and seek to discover, not necessarily believing all that they see on the surface as deeper issues may be discovered that end up being for everyone’s benefit. It is so sad to me that so many shut themselves out to the deeper issues, close themselves off due to their own discomforts and insecurities, fall short of potentially making situations, policies, and understandings of issues better for others rather than potentially worse.
It is especially sad and disappointing to me when individuals who represent organizations or institutions shut out others, particularly when it is part of their job to be open to others. One cannot speak with others who will not listen. One cannot convince others of a different perspective when they have already made a decision to shut you out. If you cannot trust a person to be open about hearing or considering one serious issue, there is no sense in presenting other important issues. They think they are right and you are wrong; they think their way is perfect and your way is flawed. This situation is potentially damaging and diminishing for everyone, and they may not even realize it.
For how many years, decades, and lifetimes do people maintain sensitive or personal information all due to the fact that someone shut them out and would not listen to them due to the discomforts and/or insecurities of the other? This is a perfect example of how individuals such as Jerry Sandusky are able to continue their damage and destruction upon others, when people don’t ask enough questions, when too many people don’t listen, when people shut each other out, when people choose to be blind rather than use their vision, regardless of the consequences.
There are other situations in which red flags appeared prior to particular tragedies, yet those individuals who may have potentially stopped the situations from occurring either did not act or did not behave in a way that protected and saved others from harm. Regarding the recent tragedy of senseless killings and injuries at the Aurora, Colorado movie theater by James Holmes, here is another situation when potential blindness of others failed to protect and save lives. And, further, in situations in which child sexual abuse – or similar abuses of power – by Catholic clergy is covered up by male church leaders such as Msgr. William Lynn of Philadelphia, one wonders what male leaders, if any, within the Catholic Church can be trusted?
A true friend, therefore, is also someone in whom one can confide their most sensitive issues (of course, as long as those issues are all legal, moral, and ethical), and will find that the friend keeps their confidence. One finds that another is not a true friend in confiding their most sensitive and painful issues to another when that person shares those issues with others, especially to those who thereby unnecessarily misunderstand, misconstrue, and misjudge them because of it.
Someone is definitely your enemy if they do not have your best interests at heart. Someone who incorrectly shares sensitive or confidential information without knowing the whole picture or all the facts, thereby damaging you, is definitely not a friend, but an enemy. Those who are very direct about it are easy to identify, however there are also those whom I characterize as wolves in sheep’s clothing who take in sensitive information, twist it around, and use it to harm you. We must all be especially cautious and aware of the wolves in sheep’s clothing. Throughout my life, there have been many of those, from whom I still feel and experience some of the damaging effects today.
There are few people in one’s life, therefore, whom they may consider to be a true friend. A true friend, after all, is extremely hard to find. A true friend is even harder to maintain. Even more difficult to experience is the friend who turns into an enemy, a friend who by their own discomforts, insecurities, or feelings of being threatened by information that they don’t want to hear – or which information may be biased or incorrect to begin with – puts up a wall against you and shuts you out. I feel sympathy and pray for those people who are missing out on developing a richer and more full relationship with others, simply by refusing to be more open to and honest with others.
Importantly therefore, one must be very thankful for those people in their lives who have truly shown themselves to be true friends. It is also important to remember to show one’s appreciation for their true friends. Don’t take them for granted as they may be few and far between. Are you a true friend? And, how have you behaved as a true friend toward someone lately?