“Part of the Problem, or Part of the Solution” (By: Michele Babcock-Nice)

It is very upsetting, discouraging, disappointing, and disturbing when one approaches another to seek improvement in and/or resolution to a particular matter, and the other person contributes to being part of the problem by not being understanding or supportive about it, rather than being part of the solution.  I experienced this several times, already, this week in relation to school situations.  The person for whom it is most upsetting and disturbing is the child who directly experiences it.  It is always discouraging to experience situations in which the words and behaviors of school employees are part of the problem.  It is encouraging when their words and actions contribute to solutions.

When a family is spending more money on a private school education for their child, they expect more in every area.  Expected is more support, more understanding, more sensitivity, and at least, fairness, particuarly in situations about which upper administration and administration are informed, regardless of by whom they are informed.  Expected is a positive experience for their child.  Expected is fairness, without bullying of the child by either peers or adults.  As one often finds, unfairness and a lack of sensitivity and understanding may be the norm.  Such a norm should not be tolerated or accepted by anyone, nor experienced by the child.

Therefore, people – particularly those in education who work with children every day – can be a part of the problem or a part of the solution.  I much prefer that they be part of the solution, and that it be a positive solution at that.  Situations in which a particular child is repeatedly blamed for standing up for himself or herself to peer bullies who belittle and degrade him – especially in a Christian environment that is supposed to promote Christian values – are particularly frustrating. 

Worse is the educator and/or administrator who can say nothing positive about the child who has stood up for himself or herself, and instead, always finds fault and harshly punishes the child.  Such educators and administrators should be ashamed of themselves for their repeated unfairness, for repeatedly supporting the bullies.  Never do those child bullies receive any consequences for their actions; their words and actions are repeatedly supported.  The victim of the bullying is repeatedly blamed.  Psychologically, this is the blaming of the victim routine.  Unnecessarily, it typically happens to the same child or children who stand up for themselves to the bullies.

It was the same for me when I was in school.  A bully provoked, and provoked, and provoked, and finally, when I stood up for myself, I was blamed and punished by school officials.  The bully who provoked the situation received no consequences, and behaved as though she was the victim to garner more support.  The same types of situations occurred toward my parents and other family members when they were in school.  School should not be a place in which people experience bullying, however it is and has been throughout generations.

I try to teach my child to be patient with others, that when others bully or provoke him, it is their problem.  However, it is difficult and challenging for any child to tolerate or accept being bullied.  In a Christian environment, with a Christian background and upbringing, I try to teach my child to turn the other cheek.  However, others typically perceive those as weak who are patient, kind, and who turn the other cheek. 

Unfortunately, and from what I have found throughout my own life experiences, the most productive way to cause a bully to stop bullying you is to give the bully back some of their own medicine.  For people who are kind, nice, caring, and compassionate, it completely goes against one’s personality to do so.  However, in doing so, the bully typically leaves you alone after that.  They discover that their perception of you was incorrect.  They discover that you have surprised them by standing up to their bullying, to their provocations, to their harsh words and actions. 

I want the best for my child.  I want my child to enjoy going to school.  My child receives and excellent education, however I repeatedly encourage the practice of increased sensitivity, patience, positive reinforcement, support, and understanding.  I do this every year.  Some are more supportive and understanding than others; some will never change. 

There are few who hold the high standards that I do of being caring, compassionate, patient, supportive, sensitive toward, and understanding of children.  To those few, I deeply appreciate you; you are part of the solution.  However, it is those who refuse to see and practice a different and better way who are part of the problem, who contribute to the regression and/or detriment of the child. 

Those who are part of the problem, rather than part of the solution, should not be in education.  They are not positive role models for children.  In this day and age, we desperately need more and more positive role models for children.  So, when are things going to change for the better rather than for the worse?  Positive change and a reassessment toward needed support for children who are repeated targets of bullies is imperative – it is imperative!  Fairness and support are imperative, rather than unfairness and a lack of support!  It is exactly this type of unfairness and lack of support that leads to bullicide – the suicide of students who are bullied, by peers or by adults.  By then, it is too late, and another life has been tragically lost.

Therefore, I encourage each of you to be positive role models for children, and to always be part of the solution – whether in education or any other area – rather than part of the problem!  Be a positive role model for children.  Be open to thinking of saying or doing things in a different and better way.  Be sensitive toward, and considerate, understanding, and supportive of children, for the sake of their mental, emotional, spiritual, social, and physical well-being!

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“Women need more Appreciation and Respect” (By: Michele Babcock-Nice)

Is it just me, or does this happen to women alot?  Women who are assertive, confident, direct, honest, independent, educated, and who may be single, divorced, and/or widowed are unappreciated and not respected by many men.  Not only are such women unappreciated and not respected by men, but also by other women and the greater society, and others may feel very threatened by their confidence and assertiveness – and blame the women for it due to their own discomfort!  What is it about us?  What is it that people dislike?

I’m not a person who asks for or tends to “need” alot from others.  I try to “handle” and cope with the majority of situations and experiences that I have independently.  I’m not a gossip, though when something is going wrong and could be improved or enhanced, I speak up, making myself and my views known.  What I find is that, for the most part, most people just don’t care.  In fact, I often find that the more I speak up, the worse the situation gets.

Why is that?  Do most people believe that they have enough of their own life situations to deal with?  Do they feel that there is no need to invest anything, emotionally, into someone else’s difficulties, challenges, struggles, or troubles?  Are people afraid to get involved?  Or, is it that they really, simply just don’t care?

It would be interesting to me if a study was performed to research all of these attributes and characteristics of women, and the manner in which men, other women, and even the greater society views and/or treats us.  It would also be interesting to me to ascertain whether or not there are differences in such perspectives and treatment of women across different regions of the country – such as in the north, south, east, and west – in the United States. 

The South is known as the Stroke Belt.  Of course, there are studies that have been completed about why this is so.  I would like to offer my own simple analysis, not based on any research, but based on my own observations and experiences. 

It seems to me that women in the South are often not allowed to be themselves.  In order to be fully accepted into Southern society, women are subtly and silently “required” to speak and behave more like men, be supportive cheerleaders of men, be agreeable and not ask any questions of men, and be submissive to and/or dependent on men.  Additionally, women in the South are required to do all of these things while also remaining “beautiful,” appearing young, and being a great physical, mental, and emotional condition.  Any women who does not seem to “meet” those requirements is not part of the “in” and/or “accepted” crowd.

Perhaps unknowingly, women in other parts of the country do the same, to a certain extent.  Women unconsciously “conform” ourselves to fit in and be more socially acceptable.  How many women do you know believe they have to drink with their boyfriend and/or his buddies at sports games in order to fit in and be acceptable?  How many women do you know pile on the make-up, and spend loads of money for hair and nail treatments, thinking that this makes them more attractive?  How many women do you see at your workplace who are especially kind and friendly to the boss, seeking more favor?

It is not easy to be a woman in today’s society.  Women are “required” to do, say, and “be” so many things, to serve in so many roles.  And, in all this, women are also expected not to become upset, not to complain, not to vent, not to become emotional.  We are expected to be able to handle it all!  Certainly, some of us can be considered superwomen, but after awhile, the stresses, pressures, expectations, and requirements take their toll.  Stroke, cancer, heart disease, and other conditions and/or ailments are a result of the constant, unceasing expectations and requirements that society places upon us. 

Therefore, women need more appreciation and respect in our society – in our families, our homes, our churches, our communities, our nation, our world.  People ought to try to place themselves in another’s shoes and walk in those shoes for awhile.  Rather than overlooking, not appreciating, and not respecting each other’s experiences and who we are as individuals, people must realize that life isn’t always easy for everyone.  Their lack of appreciation, and absence of understanding and respect just makes it that much more difficult for us.  But again, do they really care? 

As a member of a particular group at my church, I was recently overlooked by the male leader of the group.  The leader is about my age, married, and has a family, though he always appeared to take a sort of “flippant” and uncaring attitude toward me.  Today, he realized that he had not included me on any of the group’s e-mails and communications for several months, and that by doing so, I was not informed of a group meeting and photo.  He apologized to me about the situation – by e-mail – though it all just brought tears to my eyes. 

Why am I the person who is regularly overlooked, unappreciated, uncared for, not respected?  Are all of my positive qualities that much of a threat to others that they consciously or unconsciously exclude me from their own thinking?  It is so disppointing and tragic to keep experiencing these types of situations over and over again.  I could change who I am, but then I wouldn’t be “me.”  Maybe most people would like me better if I was more gossipy, untruthful, and fake.  I wouldn’t be true to myself if I behaved like that.  I wonder how many people would truly be able to walk in my shoes?