Such a turn of events has occurred. I guess it is all a part of being human. How funny it was that I just posted yesterday about being happy. I am generally a very happy person – happy with myself, others, life, God, etc. Not so much at the present moment. I am devastated. I haven’t cried that hard in years. When my clients are upset about something and start to cry, I encourage them to do so. It is cleansing to cry, to vent, to let it out. Then, they can start fresh and try to clean the slate. I took my own advice this evening.
It appears that I have lost a close friend. That is like a death, and I am grieving the death. That is how I can cope – by thinking of it as a death. Another thing I tell my clients is to do what works for you. Well, in situations like this, that’s what works for me. If that person is no longer in my life, they have “died.”
I am meant to be alone. I have been trying to come to terms with it for the past couple of years. It really is better to just accept it, but it is difficult to accept that there is no one out there for you. It is definitely a vocation to be a single person. For the past 15 years, I consider myself to have been a single person. The only thing is, I cannot feel sorry for myself. I have to let it out like a flash flood and move on because I am a parent and I have to be responsible for everything, basically. That’s how I feel. I guess it’s just my own fault. Sometimes, I feel like I exist just to work and pay bills. Thankfully, my son is in my life. Without him, I’m not sure where I’d be, but I can guess. I live for my son.
And speaking of my son, he can definitely understand what it’s like to lose a friend. He has lost many throughout his young life already, by no fault of his own. Just a couple of weeks ago, he named and numbered for me all of his close friends that have moved away in his life. I actually didn’t realize the number was so high. It is definitely challenging to reach out and open up to people when all of your close friends move away. Therefore, one thing he has learned is to keep to himself. I don’t blame him.
Keeping to ourselves is a form of self-protection. As a counselor, I recognize that. It is a defense mechanism to protect ourselves from being hurt. I, on the other hand, am the person who keeps trying to reach out to others, and find myself being hurt in the process. Is it better to keep to myself? But then, I wouldn’t be me if I did that. I love people and get energized by people.
I am just good at pushing people away, I guess. My confidence and personality are very strong, and it appears that no one is able to handle that. I am no one’s enemy, only a friend. I will give my heart and my trust on a platter, only to see it all disappear before my very eyes, every time. In the end, I have to laugh it off because it is too painful to handle.
But, such is life – this is all part of the life process, right? I am a person who believes that everything happens for a reason, even if we don’t exactly know what that reason is. Even so, perhaps a life of solitude is better than losing friends and being hurt. I don’t know what’s worse. Tomorrow is another day.