Remembering and honoring all who served and gave the ultimate sacrifice with their lives on this Memorial Day. Importantly, it is more appropriate to say “Remembering” and/or “Honoring” vs. “Happy Memorial Day” because Memorial Day is not a happy occasion for families and friends who have lost those who served. Talk to anyone who has lost someone in the line of duty, and they will tell you it is not “Happy Memorial Day.” Be sensitive. Words matter.
I don’t often write about issues related to God, faith, religion, or spirituality, but those are of utmost importance in my life. I am a person who is accepting of others, including in the realms of faith and spirituality. I accept and respect what anyone believes or does not believe, even if I may not understand it or if it may be contrary to my own beliefs. I have my own strong faith and opinions, and I am able to accept and respect the beliefs of others without forcing my own beliefs onto them. My counseling training and experience have helped me to accomplish this. This is just one area in which my counseling training and experience have helped me to personally grow and develop.
I recently read a book written by a colleague and friend which was a fairly concise autobiography and which included many references to her faith journey. Her story is one of mistakes and unwise decisions in a life where she felt unwanted and unloved, until she allowed God to work in her life. I have honestly never read a story quite so extremely personal, and I let my friend know that to pen her life story was very brave and inspiring. There were instances in her life that I could relate to, especially in regard to intimate relationships (or the lack thereof), and we have also spoken about this in the past, as well. What was most inspiring to me about her life story were the many Biblical references she included that have helped to shape and mold her, and that show God’s love of her.
In my own counseling work, I often ask people if they could go back into the past and change one thing about themselves or their lives, what would it be? When I ask the question, I try to leave it very open-ended so people are not tied to having to choose one particular thing. Every so often – but rarely – someone says they would not change anything because they would not be the person whom they are today. While most people answer my question with something they would change or improve, a few people respond that everything in their lives would be different if they went back and changed something. This is extremely true and insightful, and I encourage people to explore that, understand it, and appreciate it. My friend who wrote her book also answered this question to herself in the same way, and she has explored it, much to her benefit.
I also often encourage people to find something positive even in the worst and/or most traumatic experiences in our lives. Sometimes, people are unable to do this in the moment of crisis – which is understandable – but on the road to healing and recovery (from whatever it is), it is important for us to find even that one tiny thing that is positive in a terrible experience to help us learn, grow, and stay sane. I find that people who are mentally resistant to this continue to experience their own roadblocks and setbacks; people who are open and willing to view something in a different light generally have a more healthy attitude and positive outlook. In this way, they have helped themselves, and they may even be able to assist and/or support others who have experienced the same or similar situations.
In my own life, as a Catholic and a Christian, I am a lover of God. God is truly paramount in my life. Even though I am no longer able to regularly attend church, I am a person of faith, trust, spirituality, belief, and prayer. In my mid-30s, I questioned whether or not my faith was the best one for me. I went on a faith journey of exploring whether or not it was, and ultimately, I found that it was, despite some of what it did not provide for me. I did not want to be that person who was just raised in a faith without having a choice of what to believe or not believe. I explored and searched many different faiths and denominations. While Catholicism doesn’t have “all” that I seek, neither does any other faith or denomination that I explored. The next closest thing to what I believe is Episcopalianism, but that also does not provide all that I seek in a faith. Therefore, I have had to bring to my faith my own aspects of spirituality that help me continue to believe.
This also brings me to talk about life’s ways of testing and/or tempting us to do things that are not good, beneficial, or desirable for us. I like to think of these things more as tests or challenges rather than temptations. When we encounter such tests and we remain steadfast in our values and beliefs, we are demonstrating strength, courage, patience, trust, faith, and endurance in God, and ultimately, in ourselves. We are constantly surrounded by so many things that can sway our values and beliefs, but reliance on God and His love and support – as well as good people that He places in our lives to help and support us in our decisions – see us through. We experience what we do as a result of life, just the life process itself. God does not “prevent” things from happening to us, but provides us with all variety of life experiences. It is our choice whether or not we want to take those experiences (from the best to the worst) to help us grow and/or to support others. Faith and trust in God and His love can help us make the “right” and “best” choices for us.
This brings me right back to having trust and faith in the Lord. God is always there for us, regardless of the circumstances. My counseling training has also helped me overcome “Catholic Guilt.” I am truly thankful for this since I know and can accept myself as being “human,” and not feel guilty or shameful simply for being human. Further, reading my friend’s book helped remind me how much God loves us, and inspired me to write this blog post. It also reminded me that one of my favorite Psalms is Psalm 23 which states,
“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.”
Another favorite Biblical passage is 1 Corinthians 13:
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.
It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
Regardless of what one may believe or not believe, I hope that all have strong support in their lives to assist them with their life journey, as well as with holding healthy beliefs and values and with making positive and beneficial choices. Life is all about choices. Hopefully, we all have those strengths and supports in our lives to help keep us on the right path.
Happy Mom’s Day to all mothers out there! I actually almost didn’t post today, but I thought, why not? Certainly, before I became a mom, I definitely felt left out of the whole “Mother’s Day” tribute thing. But, there are lots of things that I’ve been left out of in my life or that I have been denied in my life, so I never let that stop me from enjoying the good that life has to offer.
I must say that the happiest day of my life was the day my son was born. I love being a mom! I am that type of person who believes that if one is going to have children, then by golly, do your best and be your best at it. It is a lifelong commitment, and one that I am blessed, thankful, and grateful for. I often tell my son how blessed and thankful that I am that he is my son. I thank God for giving me such a wonderful son; of course I am biased, but to me, he is the best son any mother could have.
My son gives me so much meaning and purpose in my life. On those rare occasions when I would rather stay in bed in the morning rather than get up, I think of my son. Indirectly, he is my main motivator. I often tell him that I don’t know where I’d be without him in my life. Of course, I wish I could also say that being a devoted wife and having a loving husband provide me with meaning, purpose, and motivation, as well. But, I don’t have that, so I have found meaning elsewhere.
So that brings me back to being a mom. I get so much satisfaction and reward from being a mom. I often tell people that my son gets the love of three people. I have done my best to invest in him all of the quality time and experiences that I possibly can. When one is a single parent, it is challenging for moms to be both the mom and the dad, but it can be done. I wish it was different. I wish it was better. But, we have to make the best with what we have; that is what I have done, and I have no regrets about that. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade as the saying goes. I know that those of you out there who are single moms understand what I’m talking about. We have no choice but to put one foot in front of the other, do whatever we can to survive, and help our children thrive.
Happy Mother’s Day!
I wanted to write about something today, but I didn’t really know what to write about. And since I was cooking today, I thought it might be appropriate to post about what I made. I hadn’t made meat loaf in awhile, so I thought that would be something good to have for a change. It’s tasty, and my son and I both like it. I make my meat loaf from my mom’s recipe, which I will also share to follow. In the above picture, you can see the finished product, and although it is a little bit overdone, it hasn’t caused a negative effect. It still tastes just great!
In the above picture, here, this is how my meat loaf looked before placing it in the oven. I know it doesn’t really look that appetizing, and in fact, it may actually look somewhat disgusting, but I tell you, it is delish.
Off the top of my head, the recipe is as follows:
Ingredients:
1.5-2 lbs. ground beef, preferably 90+% lean
2-3 slices of bread, in small pieces
small onion or half of large onion, chopped or cut into small pieces
1/2 cup milk
1/3 cup ketchup
2 eggs
Note: No salt needed
I just combine everything by tossing it into a bowl and stirring it up well. It will create a nice pasty, mushy mess, but is oh so good when you eat it. Bake at 350-375 degrees F for about 45 minutes. Take a look at my dinner plate below, along with my mashed potatoes and cucumber/tomato salad.
So there you have it. I had time to cook today and made a nice tasty dinner. I didn’t use my fancy fine china today because I didn’t feel like having to be careful with it, so I just used the cheap plates. Oh, and of course, you can also add more ketchup to the meat loaf once it’s done if you like; it’s good either way, but adding more ketchup just seems to drown out the yummy taste. Enjoy!
I read an article today about loneliness in which Surgeon General Vivek Murthy warns about its risks, and I wanted to share some thoughts. The article is here: https://www.msn.com/en-us/health/medical/loneliness-poses-risks-as-deadly-as-smoking-surgeon-general-warns/ar-AA1aDeFW?ocid=mailsignout&pc=U591&cvid=077f3753ff02446daacd4ca192d79c70&ei=17. It is very important to heed the warning, and to find positive ways to cope with being alone. If you are someone who lives alone, a good way to think about it is to be conscious of it in a positive manner. I tend to find that thinking about it in terms of “being alone” vs. “being lonely” is a much healthier mindset.
Many people are alone. Some people choose to be alone, some do not have much choice, and some isolate. People are gregarious. It is in our nature, biologically, to be around other people. In the article linked earlier, Surgeon General Murthy basically stated that loneliness can be similar to hunger or thirst with the body crying out for something that it needs to be satisifed. This is so true! People have many needs that are satisifed by interacting, in-person, with others – and I’m talking about positive, healthy interaction. It’s not necessary that I list or identify all of those needs here – I’m sure everyone can make up their own list. So, when that interpersonal interaction is missing at a high level, it can cause the feeling of craving connection, being “hungry” for companionship, and the need to fill a feeling of void or emptiness. And, I’m not necessarily even talking about intimate companionship, but simply interacting with others, in-person, in healthy and positive ways.
Surgeon General Murthy has called loneliness in the United States an epidemic. That is pretty serious. But, it’s also one thing to talk about it, and quite another thing to do something about it. How many communities out there offer inclusive groups for people to join that offer interesting activities? Some communities have groups for seniors, groups for people who play sports, and so on. But, what if you work and you can’t meet with a group during the times that are offered? Or, what if there are age restrictions in some of the groups that exclude you? As a result, people may seek other opportunities for in-person interactions with others. Many people look to churches or faith groups. Sometimes, however, they do not offer the types of groups one may be interested in, they may be quite exclusive, and/or they may not be “enough” of what someone wants. Sometimes, people are limited by location, and may be interested in groups or activities, but who wants to drive one or two hours each way to participate?
What I’m saying is that if “loneliness” is such an epidemic, people need to take it more seriously and do more to positively address it. If people are alone and/or feeling lonely, do something about it. If you are not finding what you are seeking out in your community or society, you have to take charge and fix it for yourself. Don’t wait. Don’t sit around. Don’t expect someone else to fix it for you. Find more enjoyable activities to occupy yourself, outside of working or other necessary responsibilities.
If you are too plugged in to technology, check out of it for awhile. Give your brain a break from it and do something else. Get in touch with yourself. Do more for yourself. Take a walk outside, take yourself out to eat, to the movies, to a concert, shopping, working out, vacationing, traveling, journaling, listening to music, etc. Call a friend, reach out to people, write to someone. You don’t know what will happen unless you try. Find and be active in hobbies that you enjoy, like writing, photography, playing an instrument, hiking, swimming, bird watching, star gazing, scrapbooking, baking, cooking, sewing, playing sports, you name it. What is stopping you? How many excuses do you have? Don’t let excuses stop you.
Also, you can’t allow what other people “think” about you or what you do or don’t do to influence your decisions. The reason I say this is because I’ve heard people tell me (particularly women, but also men) they didn’t do something because of what others or “society” would think about it. So what! I do things, myself, all the time. I think it’s just part of my internal wiring. I was raised to be independent and self-sufficient. It was prized in my family, growing up, to be able to “do” things yourself, so that’s what I did. I do so many things, myself, that I don’t even hesitate to think about what “society” thinks I should or shouldn’t do. If I always lived by societal expectations, I wouldn’t be where I am now and I would be so much more limited.
Probably the biggest decision I’ve ever had to make in my life – transitioning my dad from medical care to comfort and complete home hospice care, I made myself. I’ve gone traveling half-way around the world through two dozen different countries by myself. I’ve lived and worked in a huge city – New York City – by myself. For a long time, I held and watched the growth of certain stocks – and made money on my investments, myself. I’ve changed the oil in my car, by myself. I’ve gone up on my house roof and done repairs, by myself. I’ve bought and sold my own personal vehicles, myself. Heck, I’ve even used a chainsaw, myself. You name it, I can pretty much do it myself – or I can hire someone to do it for me. You can’t be afraid of what the “world” will think of you. If you do, you are just limiting yourself and denying yourself experiences and opportunities. Admittedly, there have been a couple of periods in my life, however, when I was “stuck” and had difficulty making decisions, and others either directly or indirectly influenced me to get back on track, and I’m extremely grateful for that.
Ultimately, being lonely is no fun for many people. It can cause depression, anxiety, isolation, and other mental as well as physical health issues. Don’t let it. Be aware of yourself and love yourself because you deserve better. Don’t allow the world to beat you up. My Polish grandmother basically said, “Do not beat yourself up because the world will do that for you.” This is something that I often remember and share with others. Don’t let others, the world, or your circumstances steal your joy! It is not worth it. Life is too short not to enjoy it as much as possible.
For starters, if you are alone, think in a positive mindset that you are “alone” vs. that you are “lonely.” I can almost guarantee that this slight change in cognition will help lift the feeling of burden that is caused by loneliness. It truly is much healthier and more positive to have the perspective of being alone rather than being lonely. And, if you are feeling cravings like hunger from being alone, find positive outlets to satisfy that hunger. I don’t necessarily mean just finding one or two outlets, find and be active in multiple positive outlets, daily. Sometimes, we cannot change some of the cards that life has dealt us, but we can find positive ways to love, help, and support ourselves, whatever our status.
My piano. Ah yes, my piano. This is not my piano, pictured, however it represents a beautiful piano. I have had a piano for almost 45 years. I learned to play piano when I was a girl from my teacher, Mr. Paul Jerome Miller. He was a well-known pianist and organist in the Buffalo, New York area. I took lessons from him for many years until his death. He was a kind and disciplined man, and I remember him as being good and grandfatherly. I was devastated when he died because I was so attached to him, taking lessons from him every week for many years. He was a perfectionist, he was exacting, and he pushed people to reach and exceed their potentials. This, along with his kindness and compassion, is what made him so great.
I love playing my piano. For the past 14 years, my piano has been in the finished portion of the basement of my home. At the time, that is where there was space for it. But, being in the basement meant out-of-sight, out-of-mind, so it was often forgotten. I have forgotten it no longer. Just over a week ago, I hired movers to bring my piano to my main floor, along with some large antiques that are family heirlooms, so I can enjoy them!
I have been thrilled and excited that I can now fully enjoy all of the antiques that have been passed down to me in my family, and to play and enjoy my piano! Just in the past week alone, I have sat at my piano, playing and playing away. Before I know it, already an hour or more has passed. It has been wonderful. Of course, the first couple of times I sat down to play, I was quite rusty and played the same songs, repetitively, many times, along with playing one hand alone in order to get the notes and keys down. Now that I have played for four days in the past week, I am already getting back to my old self with my “expertise.”
Certainly, I am no Rachmaninoff, but it is really wonderful to have my piano so readily available to me that I can sit down any time and play in a comfortable and enjoyable environment. I have really missed that. I have enjoyed playing so many songs recently, including “Paganini Variations” for the strong hands and arms; “Fur Elise” for the delicate touch; “The Beautiful Blue Danube” to feel like you’re dancing; and “Ave Maria” for spirituality and to give thanks.
Mr. Miller had me to memorize “Paganini Variations” almost 40 years ago. It is a powerful song, and he selected it for me to play in a recital – one of many in which I played – because he recognized my strong hands and arms. When I think back on it, I always find it funny because I wanted to play the dainty, delicate song, “Fur Elise,” but Mr. Miller wanted me to project my strength and power with “Paganini.” I must say that he knew me well because that has to be my all-time favorite song; I love the power that I can portray and project in playing that song – it is definitely mighty!
In elementary school, Mr. Miller recommended that I play clarinet in the school bands since it was similar to piano, and so I did. I played all throughout school and university. In high school, I also had a wonderful clarinet teacher, Mr. Donald Bollinger, who took me to the top, being the best I could be. I participated in All-County Band for many years, and in my senior year, I was Principal Chair of the First Clarinets. It was quite an accomplishment, especially with all of the gazillion other things I always did. Mr. Bollinger pushed me beyond limits – into a realm that I hadn’t even known existed. He knew I had the potential to be magnificent, and that is what he made me. Even during our lessons and practicing when I got tired and wanted to stop, he kept pushing me on and on. He truly must’ve seen in me what I could not see, and he brought it out. I’m so grateful for that.
It was a lot of hard work and a lot of practicing to be the best at clarient. My fingers were usually fine from all of the practicing, but my cheeks would get tired for constantly having to have the correct mouth position. The highest level to be played was Level 6, and that was my level. Looking back on it now, it was absolutely insane and I don’t know how I did it, but I think, after awhile, one just becomes mechanical and automatic – the mouth and fingers just know what to do without even thinking about it. My only disappointment with playing clarinet is that I was never invited to play in All-State Band. I’m sure there were likely a lot of politics involved in that type of decision, and my family and school were not that political.
I guess my next step is to dig out my beautiful clarinet and breathe some life back into it. My parents gave me many tangible gifts, including the gifts of music, song, and lessons. Now, I can sit down and more fully enjoy those gifts for myself. I can fill my house with beautiful music for myself. When I have nothing else to do, my piano is right there, calling my name – and I answer. It is lovely to get carried away by my piano – my friend that has been there throughout my life, through thick and thin, through happiness and sorrow, to uplift me with all beautiful and amazing melodies and memories.
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